Thursday, March 11, 2004

Six Flags Enters Seafood Distribution Market

In a surprising move, Six Flags today announced that the corporation would be entering the business of wholesale seafood distribution, effective immediately. Many amusement industry insiders believe this to be an unusual maneuver, since the financially destitute chain has begun unloading assets this offseason, including most of its European parks, Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, and its collection of coaster event shirts with yellow armpit stains, currently up for auction on Ebay. However, representatives of Six Flags were quick to put a positive spin on the new endeavor.

"The reduction of our amusement park assets frees up our cash flow for use in other ventures," noted spokesman Sherwood B. Willing IV. "One of the areas where we've seen exponential growth is in the field of seafood sales. With aggressive investment of funds and personnel into this area, we can achieve great long-term profits that will help keep our remaining parks solvent and full of fun."

Willing claims that the new seafood distribution venture has "absolutely nothing at all" to do with the fact that Cedar Fair has no desire to purchase the Wildlife section (formerly Sea World Ohio) of Six Flags Worlds of Adventure when the rest of the park is sold by Six Flags to the rival chain, leaving huge numbers of rare sea animals without a home. "That's just silly," added Willing. "The seafood venture has no correlation to the amusement park deal."

ARN&R has learned that the products to be offered later this year by Six Flags Assorted Sea Flesh Consortium include shark steaks, sea lion cutlets, dolphin burgers, penguin smoothies, and Whale Blubber on a Stick.

Six Flags Sells Ceramic Troll Collection, Printer Cartridges

In an ongoing effort to focus on core competencies and raise revenue, Six Flags Inc. announced today that it had sold its extensive ceramic troll collection to an elderly woman in Nebraska, as well as a closet full of unused printer cartridges that fit a dot-matrix printer not sold since 1986.

"The ceramic troll collection market is a highly competitive market, and we admit to having made a few bad decisions -- like spending $350 on that [Chicago Bears lineman] William 'Refrigerator' Perry ceramic troll, that was definitely a mistake!" said Six Flags' Gary Story. "We continue to believe in the ceramic troll market, but [purchaser] Ms. Ricketts will be able to better exploit the collection in the short term."

As for the printer cartridges, Story said that he came across them when it was his turn to clean the park chain's Oklahoma City offices. "It turns out it really was a good idea to let the janitor go and all chip in cleaning. Not only did we save paying his salary, but we got $15 for those printer cartridges on eBay!"

Stock analysts predict that Six Flags may next consider selling its extensive Pez collection and the '66 Mustang on blocks in front of Frontier City that it's been meaning to fix up since purchasing it in 1997.