Holiday World's Plans Exposed
Holiday World today announced a large expansion of its Splashin' Safari water park, as well as a new flat ride and a second train on its acclaimed Raven roller coaster.
ARN&R, however, has learned the truth behind the park's plans, having acquired a confidential memorandum from Will Koch, head of the park, to employees. Its text is reproduced here exclusively:
FR: Will Koch
RE: Rebranding the Park
You have all now received a copy of our press release announcing the significant expansion of the water park with our new wave pool called "Bahari," the new "Revolution" flat ride, and the second train on Raven. This memorandum provides you with further information about how this fits into my ultimate goal of the park being acquired and rebranded as "Six Flags Over That Empty Part Of Indiana."
In order to properly impress Six Flags corporate into purchasing the park, please note the following:
- We will consistently be running the second train on Raven, but the second train will at all times be completely empty.
- Although the water park is nearly doubling in size, we will be reducing our employee count in that area by 20% and throw away half of our tubes.
- The new flat ride will be inoperable for 75% of the time with no signage or explanation.
- Our popular "free soda" program will henceforth be limited to one two-ounce cup per day and will only include "Squirt" brand soda.
- Our popular "free sunscreen" program will provide only SPF 3 sunscreen. Additional sunscreen will cost $5 for a one-ounce bottle.
- We will immediately spend millions on an ad campaign featuring a freakish old person insisting that the park is fun while not actually doing anything to make it so.
I thank you for your cooperation in this exciting time.
I remain, very truly yours,
Will "Mr. Six" Koch