Saturday, April 08, 2006

Roman Soiko: Poet, Not Lunatic

One of the best perks of running a website that specializes in absolutely reliable news and rumors about the amusement park industry is the substantial number of deranged and moronic emails we receive. It appeared such was the case late last year, when we received this prize, from someone who claimed to be named Roman Soiko. Our entire Foreign Customer Translation Service Happy Fun Enabling Technical Pleasuring Squad Team was unable to discern even the language in which Mr. Soiko's letter was composed, let alone any of its content. So we printed it up and had a laugh at it.

Who's laughing now? Who's laughing now? (This should be conjuring up visions of Evil Dead II or you are required to give up your nerd pass immediately).

Anyway, yes, it seems we were the stupid ones. It turns out that Mr. Soiko's missive was a groundbreaking example of Neo-Brutalist Beat Poetry, and his challenging work of literature, taken by the uncultured rubes of ARN&R as a pile of gibberish, was actually an influential and deeply respected artistic opus; indeed it later won the Nobel Prize in Literature. We were deeply humbled and more than a little embarrassed. It reminded us of when we said Catwoman was the worst movie ever made and then it won all those Oscars.

In light of our blunder and to set the record straight, it is our intent to further the career of this engaging young artist in any way we can. Our first act in this direction will be the presentation of a new work, Roman Soiko: Poetics, which has been praised by leading critics as a "powerful, lyrical work, comparing favorably to the mature output of Dante and Milton, yet with a Terry Pratchett-like gift for humor lacking in the writings of these slightly lesser authors."

Roman Soiko: Poetics


THIS IS THE REASON THE DISASTER OCCURRED. THE REASON WE ALL WANTED TO KNOW. THE ANSWER LIES WITH SIX FLAGS's new marketing strategy. I have been able to understand it fully, and I know their plot is ignorance involved. Currently Dan Snyder is the process of making sure all babies' diapers are cleaned, increasing ticket prices to $300 per person, and making people pay $50 to park. The next coaster will be in Six Flags Great America and feature a 300 foot drop and 12 inversions. Yes, the note was correct. However, it will not be opening this season, but in 2009. This coaster will be designed by our beloved American Coaster Company with heavy grants from its parent, ACE. I reached Carole Sanderson the other day about this new coaster "This coaster will make SFGrAm finally give unlimited ERT till their death!" Carole Sanderson also wanted to shut down ARNR due to a lot of negative press on ACE there. "ARNR has defined us for the last time. They print articles on us saying we all weigh 500 pounds, eat gravy and mashed potatoes, sleep at our parent's house, tell us random people inside their head such as Mzai Onzimonga, Jade Killerson, Hendrik Van Wonderboot, Bunny Bumpkins, and John Wringley McWackey.It is time to shut down ARNR and propagate around the world the great airtime of our new coaster at SFGrAm!" In other news. Mr. Six was given 750 calories of sugar from Cokes.

Verso II: Mr. Six Get's Employed at Holiday World!


According to this, if you want to love a women,show them pictures of Cedar Point.


[Editor's Note: Roman Soiko: Poetics is composed entirely of verbatim cutting and pasting of emails sent without prompting to the ARN&R staff by Mr. Soiko. The only additions made to the original text were the separating "Verso" markers, which the editors felt would best convey the related but slightly different viewpoints undertaken by the myriad conflicting voices brought to fore by Mr. Soiko in his penetrating and lush literary opus.]
Thanks For Your Patience

To anyone who is actually still bothering to check for updates on a regular basis (we're thinking of you, Peter and Darryl, and probably no one else...), we thank you for your support. And even if you aren't bothering to check very often, we still appreciate your understanding and patience. It's been pretty insane at the ARN&R Towers of late, as we try to supplement our massive and lucrative ARN&R holdings with a bunch of other jobs (you know, for hot tub repairs and aggressive corporate takeovers and such). As certain of the editorial staff have been growing more accustomed to their new schedule of working over 24 hours a day, every day, rest assured (not "be rest assured," which is incorrect, is a pet peeve of ours, and makes you sound like a cretin if you say it that way) that article updates will soon begin flowing in, if not quite at the same frantic level of old, then at least with far better regularity than the past couple weeks.

Thanks again.