Thursday, October 09, 2003

Carousel Website Blamed for Marital Difficulties

"Yeah baby, take it all. Let me gum up those works."

These were not the words Kathy Asleson expected to hear her husband moaning when she came home early from work. She had taken half a day off and wanted to surprise her husband Robert, who worked from an office at home. Expecting an afternoon of passionate lovemaking her libido dropped when he was found in front of the computer flogging the dolphin.

"What bothered me was not the fact that he was making Cyclops cry," said Kathy. "The problem was that Robert was whitewater wristing to a carousel website!" The site was, an online retailer of gears and parts for amusement rides, especially carousels.

"It would have been one thing if he would have been choking Kojak to 'Lesbian Teenage All Stars' or even 'Mullet Munchers,' but it was carousels. I am so damn tired of amusement parks, especially those *$)^@ merry-go-rounds," she ranted.

"Honey, industry people don't call them merry-go-rounds. They are carousels, unless you're in England, then they're roundabouts," said Robert gently. "In addition, it is perfectly natural for a man to slap the big-nosed Rasta man."

Kathy responded, "I don't care if you feel the need to toss the Spam javelin. The problem is that this is only the latest in a line of amusement-related ejaculations. Lately I was feeling a bit relieved when I looked through the history of Netscape and saw '' and 'Thrillnetwork,' figuring you'd finally come around to nice normal porn. But then I just learned those were more coaster sites. You are never going to get good at oral sex by checking out p.o.v. pictures."

Robert has tried to put the spark back in the relationship, but his actions have only served to anger his wife of ten years. "For some reason she didn't like the honeymoon in Washington state where we rode a coaster only open two weeks a year or the afternoon of drinking wine from a box in the parking lot of Six Flags. Sometimes I just don't understand women," he lamented.

For now Robert and Kathy have made a commitment to talk to each other and work things out, a commitment that Kathy secretly told this reporter includes a lack of sex. She said, "If he wants to act like a 15 year-old that's his prerogative. He will just have to resort to hand-starting the one-eyed yogurt thrower for the next few weeks. I hope there are a lot of gear pictures on that site because he won't be riding this horse for a LONG time."