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Enthusiast Keeps Feet Warm

A clever coaster enthusiast was able to keep his feet warm this past weekend, despite all odds. According to Lawrence Mallett, 46, his feet were "absolutely freezing and dangerously numb" after the ACE member and Coaster Zombie spent an afternoon on numerous soaking water rides immediately prior to an evening marathon on the B&M floorless coaster Medusa. Although much of the day had gone swimmingly for the enthusiast, he realized his danger when an unseasonable chill began to seep into his waterlogged socks after sundown.

"It's then that fun turned to danger," said Mallett. "I realized that frostbite might be setting in, and I could potentially lose my toes. Maybe even my life, God forbid. But I knew I had a duty to myself and the American way of life, and I had to complete my mission of riding Medusa twenty straight times to finish my day, no matter how windy and frigid it was. That's when I started bravely fighting through the agony-crazed haze in my mind to concoct some survival schemes. Gutting a dog and using it as a blanket seemed impractical since there were none around, and the sheer volume of squirrels I'd have to kill to equal the mass of one poodle was more than I felt I could handle. Then I remembered that you can stave off the cold by cuddling tightly with someone while you're both naked, but since I haven't been naked around anyone in decades, I didn't think that would be too likely."

"That's when I came up with a brilliant concept to save my feet from certain permanent damage," said a beaming Mallett. "I peed on them."

Mallett added that "a hot stream of my own urine gave my frozen toes the warmth they needed to survive that long night in the cold. Plus, I was able just to do it right in the middle of the Immelman, so I didn't waste a single second of potential ride time, either!"

The enthusiast speculated that other riders might have also had the danger of deadly frostbite averted, due to the likelihood that plenty of his steaming urine had splashed over them, as well.

Ride operators for Medusa were less thrilled with Mallett's courageous survival tale than he, saying that the ride "had an unholy Palace Playland-like stench," and "smelled like Grandma."

--JCK