Sunday, September 15, 2002

Six Flags Astroworld to Receive Another Crappy Used Coaster

In a press release issued on Saturday, Six Flags announced that Six Flags Astroworld will get "another crappy used coaster" next season:

"Six Flags Parks Inc. is pleased to announce that Six Flags Astroworld will receive a Vekoma Suspended Looping Coaster for 2003, a genuinely boring and painful coaster that's been passed around from park to park like a bucket full of bat guano dipped in cat pee. Our valued Houston guests will get to stand in line for up to two hours at a time for the not-even-remotely-unique experience of having their heads smacked back and forth like they moved in on Mike Tyson's special friend in prison. This piece of crap has abused guests at two Six Flags parks in the past, and we're happy to dump it on Six Flags Astroworld!"

ARN&R contacted Six Flags Media Relations to point out that Six Flags Astroworld already has a Vekoma SLC, to which the spokesman commented, "What, another coaster's not good enough for them? Screw 'em, then. They can have that or another Batman stunt show with actors who couldn't cut it on the Home Shopping Network. What, they're going to go to that other major theme park in Houston?"
Halloween Event Goes Over Poorly at Sesame Place

Sesame Place, the Sesame Street-themed park aimed at young children, thought they'd give a shot at creating some October revenue through a Halloween event, as so many parks have done. And what seemed to do the best at most parks was the goriest, scariest events possible. So they came up with "Sesame Street Friends Go To the Doctor," with depictions of bizarre experiments being performed on favorite Sesame Street characters. The park had no marketing money left over for the year for TV advertising, so the park relied on in-park signs -- signs that did not indicate that the attraction was Halloween-oriented, to increase visitors' suspense at what awaited them.

To the surprise of park management, virtually every child came out of the attraction weeping, with fully a third of the parents (most of whom were splattered with fake Big Bird blood from the bird's lobotomy scene) threatening lawsuits seeking funds for what most call inevitable years of therapy.

"It's all just in fun!" said Jane Wiggins, park manager, who came up with the idea. "What kind of three-year-old can't handle a little Cookie Monster kidney removal with power tools and no anesthetic? Wussies."