Sunday, September 14, 2003

Blue Streak Rededicated as ACE Coaster Classic

At a major ceremony yesterday, the Blue Streak roller coaster at Cedar Point was rededicated as an ACE Coaster Classic, a rare honor given to wood rides which the meet exacting standards of proper and historic operation set forth by ACE (American Carcas-Rending Jackals and Hyenas).

"We are mighty proud of this great honor," said park rep Ima Hogg. "Very few rides are operated in a manner consistent with the ACE Coaster Classic status, and Blue Streak is now celebrating 35 years as a ride of this type. We love having all these enthusiast types here to laud us for running our classic wood coaster the way it should be run."

According to the group's charter, ACE rewards roller coasters run in the time-tested and proper way with a plaque announcing the woodie as an ACE Coaster Classic. The rare coasters to receive this honor must not have ratcheting lap bars, headrests, assigned seats, seat dividers, or anal probes. Cedar Point has a sign prominently displayed in front of the Blue Streak detailing how the woodie is an ACE Coaster Classic. "If you own a special ride and run it properly, you want to brag about it with a big fu%$ing sign," said Hogg.

Standing outside in a light drizzle, ACE Preservation Guru Matt Crowther announced, "ACE is pleased to rededicate this ride as an ACE Coaster Classic. The sign in front of the ride clearly announces that we've said this ride is a Coaster Classic, even though Cedar Point slapped plastic seats, ratchets, and big damn headrests all over the trains a number of years ago. But heck, I like Cedar Point, so we figured we'd just call the little fu%&er a Coaster Classic anyway and give them a nice new plaque. We're good that way."

A few naysayers disputed the designation. "What the hell?" said enthusiast Dick Hardwoods. "This ride doesn't qualify as a Coaster Classic at all! Why are we allowing them to milk the recognition of this honor by telling bald-faced lies that the ride is a Classic? Those damn trains feature three disqualifications, but that stupid sign is still sitting out front there. The ACE Executive Junta is obviously chicken-s%it to ask Cedar Point to remove the designation. What a bunch of pus*ies."

"We will not tolerate such statements from surly members," said American Coaster Enthusiast Gold Glove Pugilist, Iron Chef Chilidog, and President Baghwan Sri Carole Sanderson. "We have no patience for members with any concern for stupid crap like what makes a ride a Coaster Classic. Our members are to be concerned only with stuffing their faces, making unreasonable rude demands of parks, and getting ERT. Criticizing any park is forbidden by the ACE Code of Conduct, so we can't ask them to take that filthy, lying sign down. Also, we are completely spineless, so we wouldn't even think of making our Classic designation mean anything by asking parks to take down signs claiming a ride has our endorsement when it does not. We need to be sure Cedar Point gives us extra truckloads of gristly meats on sticks and piles of chocolate treats at the Con next year, too."

Crowther announced that Cedar Fair rides Mean Streak, Thunderhawk, and, heck, even Iron Dragon, would be given the ACE Coaster Classic designation next season and will also be allowed to have bulls*it signs out in front of them claiming they are still ACE Coaster Classics.