Friday, January 20, 2006

Daniel Snyder Announces New Plans for Six Flags

Following Daniel Snyder's successful takeover bid of Six Flags Incorporated, the billionaire owner of the Washington Redskins has issued a statement through his corporation, Red Zone, regarding substantial changes he plans to make at Six Flags parks in the upcoming years. According to the statement, the following alterations and improvements will be effective immediately upon the start of the 2006 operating season:

1)Ticket prices for all Six Flags properties will be "repriced". In order to raise the appropriate revenue stream for Six Flags shareholders, the former price of season passes and individual tickets will be raised to the power of nine for the repricing.

2) Parking fees will be altered and Premium Parking will be offered at all parks. Guests will be offered the option of buying Premium Parking in an actual Six Flags park for the low price of 1000 dollars per visit, while standard parking will still be available for those who do not wish to upgrade. Those selecting the standard parking option, which costs 30 dollars per visit, will conveniently park in a massive new Six Flags overflow lot in North Dakota, where they can walk to their Six Flags park destination via convenient pedestrian bridges or, for five dollars extra, take the tram.

3) Replace the annoying Mr. Six and outdated Loony Tunes mascots with new, family-friendly racist caricatures. Initially, parks will merely feature a bigoted portrayals of Native Americans popularized by Snyder's Redskins franchise, but the statement assures stockholders that anyone else not pasty-white and of Northern European descent can look forward to being denigrated by wonderfully offensive mascots designed specifically by Six Flags to insult them.

4) Naming rights for various parks will be sold to corporations willing to pay top dollar. Already announced have been the changes of Six Flags America to Fedex Park, Six Flags Over Georgia to Phillips Park, and Frontier City to Billy Joe Bob's House of Auto Repair, Mini-golf, and Possum Huntin'.

5) Steve Spurrier will be hired as head of creative development, a move intended to make use of Spurrier's utter genius at a level commensurate with that he displayed during his tenure as Redskins head coach.

6) Begin a new advertising campaign for the chain based around the slogan "Clean, Safe, Fun." As there are not currently any parks in the chain that fulfill any portion of this new slogan, footage of parks not owned by Six Flags will be used in the campaign.


[Editor's Note: This piece originally appeared in slightly different form as part of our first Podcast, which can still be heard here. And don't soil your pretty little britches, we'll have another one of those out before you know it.]
Six Flags Announces Division in Charge of Making New Divisions

Six Flags (NYSE:PKS) announced today that it has formed a new Divisions Division to enhance and evolve its new Executive naming, hiring and announcing strategies.

Martin Stevenson III has been named Senior VP of Press Releases. Mr. Stevenson has extensive experience at (anybody wanna guess?) ESPN-Disney. He strategically planned over 10,000 press releases and interviews that said lots and lots of abso-freaking-lutely nothing, leaving readers both strategically puzzled and slightly annoyed. "And he’ll make sure no one will EVER be quoted in Crony...whoops, Executive Hiring releases but me," chortled new CEO Mark Shapiro.

Luigi "Fat Knuckles" Marconi has been named Executive Senior VP of Strategic Divestitures. Mr. Marconi has vast experience in a number of totally and completely legitimate businesses. His focus will be former executives' exit planning: Out the door, the window, or--if it’s gotta be like that--with the fishies. Reporting to him will be just about no one who likes staying healthy.

Jack Kemp has been named Chief Golden Parachute Officer. No one knows exactly what he’ll be doing, but what the hell. He’s Jack Kemp!

Senior Chief Executives of Superlatives, Culinary Planning (hey, somebody’s gotta go fetch lunch!) and Just Plain Not Sucking will be named in a future press release. Unless, of course, says Shapiro, "we need a new Division to handle that instead. You just never know."