Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

Six Flags Announces Division in Charge of Making New Divisions

Six Flags (NYSE:PKS) announced today that it has formed a new Divisions Division to enhance and evolve its new Executive naming, hiring and announcing strategies.

Martin Stevenson III has been named Senior VP of Press Releases. Mr. Stevenson has extensive experience at (anybody wanna guess?) ESPN-Disney. He strategically planned over 10,000 press releases and interviews that said lots and lots of abso-freaking-lutely nothing, leaving readers both strategically puzzled and slightly annoyed. "And he’ll make sure no one will EVER be quoted in Crony...whoops, Executive Hiring releases but me," chortled new CEO Mark Shapiro.

Luigi "Fat Knuckles" Marconi has been named Executive Senior VP of Strategic Divestitures. Mr. Marconi has vast experience in a number of totally and completely legitimate businesses. His focus will be former executives' exit planning: Out the door, the window, or--if it’s gotta be like that--with the fishies. Reporting to him will be just about no one who likes staying healthy.

Jack Kemp has been named Chief Golden Parachute Officer. No one knows exactly what he’ll be doing, but what the hell. He’s Jack Kemp!

Senior Chief Executives of Superlatives, Culinary Planning (hey, somebody’s gotta go fetch lunch!) and Just Plain Not Sucking will be named in a future press release. Unless, of course, says Shapiro, "we need a new Division to handle that instead. You just never know."

--CO