Friday, July 18, 2003

Paramount Executives Baffled By Online Survey Responses

The results of an online survey, sponsored by Paramount Parks, designed to give Paramount executives some idea of the types of rides and attractions that guests would like to see at Paramount's theme parks are beginning to pour in. Paramount executives have been quite shocked by the survey responses so far, to say the least.

Execs have been puzzled by the survey responses from start to finish beginning with the very first set of questions that asks users to rate leisure time activities on a scale of 'extreme dislike' to 'extreme like.' It seems that most survey respondents 'extremely like' 'going to a restaurant', 'playing home video games', 'visiting a theme park' and 'sleeping.'

Other activities, however, are getting nothing but 'extreme dislike' rankings by survey respondents. Activities like 'spending time with friends', 'going to a friend's house', 'hanging out with boyfriend/girlfriend', 'going to a party', 'playing sports', 'going on a date' and 'working' apparently don't rate at all with Paramount guests. Paramount execs are beginning to worry that all of their theme park guests are anti-social introverts with low self-esteem and no friends.

Also somewhat surprisingly, the activity rated 'least liked' by survey takers thus far is 'exercising/working out.' Paramount execs were also very stunned to learn that many survey respondents 'would rather stay indoors than go out.' Execs had assumed that most guests must like exercising since they most likely spend a lot of time walking around in theme parks and they must enjoy getting outside so that they can visit theme parks.

The shock did not end there though. Paramount execs were further astonished to learn that, when asked 'what would you like to see at Paramount Parks', most survey respondents answered that they would like to see 'more buffet style restaurants with lots of free gravy', 'much, much longer seat belts on roller coasters and drop rides that will hold bigger people in' and 'more pretty girl ride attendants with big hooters.' Execs had incorrectly assumed that most guests would probably like to see an expensive new thrill ride or a fancy new pyrotechnics laden show.

Paramount execs were just about floored to learn that survey respondents felt that theme park attendance has dropped off over the past few years because of 'Rockford Files reruns on TV-Land' and 'an increase in broadband access for coaster enthusiasts resulting in increased masturbation time.' Execs did not know how to react to those responses at all.

Finally, execs were just flabbergasted after reading responses to what survey respondents felt that theme parks could do in order to get people back to the parks. Respondents overwhelmingly answered 'only build roller coasters from now on', 'offer ACE members more free stuff and more ERT', 'don't let those bastard general public people in so much' and 'MORE FREE GRAVY! I already told you that!'

Obviously, Paramount execs are beginning to feel that their survey has been an incredible waste of time and money.

ARN&R reporters keenly noted that the Paramount Parks survey responses started trending this way shortly after a link to the online survey appeared in a thread on rec.roller-coaster. Coaster enthusiasts around the world continue to discredit any connection between the two events and insist that it is all purely one big coincidence, as they fully and accurately reflect the views of every right-thinking person everywhere.

ARN&R Editor to be Flogged After Two-Week Trip Yields No New Coaster Credits

ARN&R's Dictator for Life today announced that he would voluntarily submit to a five-minute flogging after a two-week vacation resulted in only one coaster ridden. "I was in Northern California for two weeks and failed to visit a single major amusement park, despite the fact that I have never been to Six Flags Marine World, Bonfante Gardens, or Parmount's Great America. My single evening at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk is admittedly pathetic," he said in an interview. "I suck," he added.

Reports indicate that Bonfante Gardens was on the planned itinerary but, in a stunning confusion of priorities, the editor chose to remain at a Monterey playground with his children, considering their obvious delight in the genuine locomotive there to somehow be more important than driving an hour for a park that his children might or might not enjoy.

"It's amazing," said ACE Grand Princess for All Eternity Carole Sanderson. "How he could possibly put something like the sheer enjoyment of free time on a sunny afternoon in a playground over a chance to get on a coaster -- and with those kids in tow, I bet he could get on all the kiddie rides too -- is beyond me. We'll be kicking him out promptly." Sanderson expressed similar disgust with the decision to visit the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art, a San Francisco Giants game, and the Bay Area Discovery Center. "Art? Sports? Educational children's activities? Pshaw," she said with contempt.

Exclusive investigative reporting has revealed that, while at the Beach Boardwalk, the editor failed to even ride either of the coasters present besides the Giant Dipper, even though he could have ridden the kiddie coaster with his four-year-old who, showing a similar lack of judgment, asked for another ride on the Pirate Ship instead of the roller coaster.

The four-year-old has been banned from ACE membership for life.
ACE General Store to Offer Muumuu

Exciting news reached coaster enthusiasts this evening, as the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) Executive Committee approved the sale of muumuus at the ACE Online General Store.

"Today is a great day for the members of our organization," stated ACE Imperious Master Overlord for Life Carole Sanderson. Showing off sketches of the new product with a laser pointer and large glossy poster, Sanderson pointed out the typical ACE logo seen on other products, such as t-shirts and jackets. Naturally, for products this large, the logo is decidedly more ample than the one seen on other products. Said Sanderson, "We expect these things to sell in the millions. I've been to every ACE event for free the last several years, and, believe me, the stunning amount of buffet obliteration I've seen ACErs commit has convinced me that the sale of official muumuus is the surest way to get us enough money for our Gravy Museum and Archives."

Promotions Director Lee Colletti gave reporters further details. "We've been selling XL-sized shirts for years, then with the addition of various dripping foods on sticks and the emergence of Deep Fried Oreos in recent years, we upgraded to XXL. But that could not contain the Jabba-like mounds of raw flesh created by the All-U-Can-Eat Suet, Buckets O' Hamburger, and metric assloads of gravy being consumed at the feeding frenzies known as 'ACE Picnics.' The muumuu was our only choice. Now any ACE member can look stylish and sexy, while also supporting their great organization, in our sleek line of muumuus."

Colletti went on to say that "we will start by featuring the muumuus in garish, hard-to-miss colors such as Dayglo Pink, Neon Orange, Paisley, Chrome, and, of course, Bright Fuchsia. After all, who wouldn't be damn proud to show off such a great enthusiast garment after gorging on the whole cow at Wild Adventures? And won't the muumuus look great flapping away in the breeze as their owners ride inverted coasters like Raptor and Talon?"

Colletti also noted that "there are a few naysayers who worry that ACE members wearing those bright purple muumuus will be referred to as 'Grimace' or 'Barney,' but that's really just silly, unprovoked speculation."

Sanderson concluded the discussion by mentioning that ACE has plans for even more exciting, original merchandise with the ACE logo attached. Among those mentioned were ACE codpieces, ACE jock straps, ACE kilts, and ACE Vaseline.