Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Idiots Actually Think ARN&R Is Real

ARN&R was distressed today to learn that there still exist people who think the website has real amusement industry news. These people, labeled by experts as “babbling simpletons,” frequently send email to the site and post to message boards the opinion that the information on ARN&R is incorrect or misleading.

“The people running that site are idiots,” said one intellectual star, known to ThemeParkCritic and Coasterbuzz as SitNSpin, who has miraculously noted the lack of accuracy in ARN&R reports. “Usually their rumors are totally wrong. All they do is spread misleading things about parks and print the dumbest rumors. Like that article about new policies at Six Flags parks was so bull. My brother works at a Six Flags, so I know that’s totally not true. They also are stupid because they said Busch Gardens had the Applause Award taken from them and that Six Flags Astroworld is getting a second Vekoma SLC. Where do they hear this stupid crap? No one should believe any stuff they say.”

Even more moronic, according to experts, is MrBigEagle, who reached new realms of drooling stupidity by not only taking ARN&R reports seriously, but also actually going a step further and, incredibly enough, believing them. “Those hippie liberals at Amnesty International have gone too far this time, trying to protest Six Flags rides. Why don’t they get a life? But it’s good to see that my favorite theme park chain is still growing. That’s great that they made South Dakota into Six Flags Upper Midwest. I’ll be in line on opening day to show my support.” MrBigEagle then unexpectedly flew into a rage, snarling that “the Supreme Court decision on Superman:The Escape not being a coaster is such crud. Everyone I know thinks it’s a coaster. Those old farts wouldn’t know a coaster if it bit them in the ass.”

Some ARN&R detractors have even speculated that the site is wasting valuable online space that can never be recovered by mankind. States Rhodes Scholar Roarbaby, “Why anyone would want to run a site like that is beyond me, personally if you ask me it's a waste of webspace that could've been used to create a more informative & accurate site involving the amusement park industry.”

“This level of stupidity amazes me,” states leading New York brain surgeon Casper Goodspeed. “In our profession, we have a complicated medical term to adequately describe persons of such mental skill: ‘stupid f%&#s.’”

When last seen by reporters, MrBigEagle was busily rummaging through a used bookshop in search of an elusive copy of Maxim’s January ‘Babes of the Amusement Industry’ issue.


Bush Insults French Coasters

The air has been thick with insult these days, as the United States piles pressure and scorn on its reluctant ally France to support an attack against Iraq. U.S. officials have not been particularly diplomatic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called France a part of "old Europe" and said its opposition to emergency NATO measures to boost Turkey's defenses is a disgrace.

Today, President Bush stepped up this battle of words with France by insulting its roller coasters. “These cheese-mongering Saddam-lovers don’t want to bomb Iraq into oblivionation simply because they are cowards,” said Bush. “Also, their coasters are inferior to good old-fashioned American coasters. We invented roller coasters, and ours are better. That Tonnere de Zeus is overratedanous, Space Mountain is a joke, and I’d love to knock Gouderix over and drill for oil where it used to stand.”

French President Jacques Chirac responded that “Mister Bush should check his facts. In France, we created a full-circuit coaster and grew bored with its insipidness decades before the United States had its ridiculous Mauch Chunk railway. And before this gauche redneck criticizes our rides, he should examine who designed them. A filthy American pig-dog company called CCI made Tonnerre de Zeus. Tell Mister Bush to go ride Paramount Great America’s Grizzly and we will then discuss who has the stupid rides.”

Bush remained unswayed by the backlash he appears to be generating in France. “I got three words for ya,” Bush proclaimed. “Maginot Line.”