Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Bush Insults French Coasters

The air has been thick with insult these days, as the United States piles pressure and scorn on its reluctant ally France to support an attack against Iraq. U.S. officials have not been particularly diplomatic. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld called France a part of "old Europe" and said its opposition to emergency NATO measures to boost Turkey's defenses is a disgrace.

Today, President Bush stepped up this battle of words with France by insulting its roller coasters. “These cheese-mongering Saddam-lovers don’t want to bomb Iraq into oblivionation simply because they are cowards,” said Bush. “Also, their coasters are inferior to good old-fashioned American coasters. We invented roller coasters, and ours are better. That Tonnere de Zeus is overratedanous, Space Mountain is a joke, and I’d love to knock Gouderix over and drill for oil where it used to stand.”

French President Jacques Chirac responded that “Mister Bush should check his facts. In France, we created a full-circuit coaster and grew bored with its insipidness decades before the United States had its ridiculous Mauch Chunk railway. And before this gauche redneck criticizes our rides, he should examine who designed them. A filthy American pig-dog company called CCI made Tonnerre de Zeus. Tell Mister Bush to go ride Paramount Great America’s Grizzly and we will then discuss who has the stupid rides.”

Bush remained unswayed by the backlash he appears to be generating in France. “I got three words for ya,” Bush proclaimed. “Maginot Line.”