Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Flyer Purists Start an Anti-Tub Humping Campaign

At the annual gathering of tools and hicks known as PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP, the flyer purists were out in storm, verbally assaulting and mocking other flyer participants known as ‘tub-humpers.’

When reached for comment from the depths of his mother’s basement, 34-year-old dungeon master and flyer purist Nathan Andrake said, “In recent years there has been an outbreak of this heinous activity. Not only is it unsafe, it also makes the pilots appear to be better than us, and we can not have that in this fast-paced world of flyer riding. This is not how flyers are meant to be enjoyed.” He then rolled his 87 sided die and cast “stupidity ++.”

To those unaware, “Tub Humping” is a way of physically rocking the flyer back and forth, causing for better and more frequent snaps, say experts.

When reached for comment an offender asked “Aren’t they that crappy ‘rock’ band that sang that lame song back in the 90's? ‘I get knocked down but I get up again’...more like ‘I record one song and am never heard of again.’”

When asked for a rebuttal Andrake fired a “Magic Missile.”


[Editor's Note: I bet most of you didn't know that the trumpet tune sampled for that Tubthumper song was Jeremiah Clark's Trumpet Voluntary, did you? Now don't say you don't learn anything here at ARN&R.]
Record Challenged

As an addendum to the article below, apparently a challenger has emerged to combat what he refers to as "the blasphemous and totally crap false records of Kirk James and Bill Chipotle." A Filip Le Pankakov wrote in to let us know that he achieved a new outdoor land speed record for getting completely pissed off and hating everyone at an amusement park in considerably quicker fashion than either of the two officially recognized leaders.

Says Le Pankakov, "That's totally bogus. Six minutes is nothing. I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain and hated every single person there before I even entered the park. And I continued hating them all during my entire horrible day of overpriced goods, three-hour waits for coasters, incredible heat, and amazingly stupid employees and park visitors. The record should be mine, and it's a farce that it isn't being recognized."

Said S. Mathias Berger III, president of the International Consortium of Getting Pissed Off at Every Single Patron of an Amusement Park and Wanting to Strangle Them All With Your Bare Hands (ICGPOESPAPWSTAWYBH), "we have looked into Mr. Le Pankakov's claims, and unfortunately we did not have any official observers on-site. Without our trained staff being on hand to acknowledge a record-setting performance, we simply cannot accept this as the official record."

When queried by ARN&R, Berger agreed that it was possible for the record to be broken in the manner described by Le Pankakov. "We certainly can't count into the negatives to measure high levels of irritation achived in the parking lot," he said, "but in this case the timers would have begun right as he got through the security gate into the park proper. This could potentially result in a record in the mere seconds."

Berger further noted that the staff of his organization "would never be stupid enough to go to a Six Flags park on a Saturday in July, regardless of whether any records might or might not be broken," and therefore he had no clue why Le Pankakov would have expected any of them to be there to witness his stunning feat.