Friday, September 08, 2006

Inanimate Object Creates MySpace Account, Enthusiasts Crap Pants

Maverick, the Intamin coaster currently under construction at Cedar Point and expected to operate for upwards of fifteen minutes at a time without problems, has created its own MySpace profile, and coaster enthusiasts couldn’t be happier. For many, this may be their only opportunity to make a “friend” on the popular social networking website.

"I am sooo geeked about this!” said MySpace member KitFisto94. “Maverick accepted me right away, unlike most of the stuck-up webcam chicks I’ve contacted. I’m looking forward to a long and prosperous relationship with Maverick.”

IdoraDave agrees. “I’m checking in with Maverick every day. There’s nothing better than logging on to the internet to watch an erection getting bigger.” he said, oblivious to the fleeting look of disgust that passed across this reporter’s face.

Comments on Maverick’s profile have ranged from complimentary (Tyler is 1/4 BLACK: “Sick layout, Maverick”), to perplexing (Marissa: “I am wonder what going like a new roller coaster next year!!!!”), to the downright salacious (Koaster Kris: “Im hoping to make it back out to Ohio again especially next year to ride you! W00t!” and Jordan: “i've decided i will propose to you in the morning”). [Ed. note: We're not even going to try to use all of the [sic]s that would be necessary for this story.]

“This is not uncommon behavior, especially for such a traditionally unsociable group as coaster enthusiasts.” said noted psychologist Don Petersen. “It’s known as ‘personification’. Many of these people lead sad and sheltered lives, with very few real and enriching relationships. They begin to see this partially completed structure as a surrogate friend of sorts, and begin addressing it as if it were a corporeal being.

“Most of them probably don’t even realize that their comments to an inert hunk of metal make them sound like sexual deviants when taken out of context. Take James Crochford, for example, and his statement ‘Oh boy Maverick! Despite only being 105 feet tall I'm still excited to ride you.’. Most people reading this statement with no background information would assume that Mr. Crochford has some form of giantess fetish that isn’t being satisfied. Sadly, the truth that he’s actually speaking to a spiritless load of metal is far more shameful.

“People talking to roller coasters. This has got to be one of the most whacked-out things I’ve ever heard.” Petersen later muttered, in what he assumed was an off-the-record statement.

And as Maverick’s profile continues to fill with incomprehensible gibberish ((andrei geos to the mayer)**%: “i thought it was goin over the water then what explain all the cemet barges out ther to hold rollar coaster track out huh!!!!”), the world wonders; what’s next? We here at ARN&R predict that this signals the beginning of a new onslaught, as everything from Dippin' Dots stands ("MySpace Site of the Future," no doubt) to pieces of Six Flags Great America's Shockwave will carve out their niche on the MySpace site, finally allowing enthusiasts to brag that they have “hundreds” of friends.