Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Enthusiast Suffers Nervous Breakdown

Jim Taney, an enthusiast for several years, was arrested and committed today after not being able to withstand the pressure of choosing between incessantly playing a half-functional demo of the newest version of Roller Coaster Tycoon and constantly refreshing the homepage of Six Flags Great Adventure to find out the speed and height of their newest coaster, announced today.  

While Taney has already ridden Cedar Point's Top Thrill Dragster, a near-clone of the new ride, 223 times, family members recalled him frequently calculating track lengths required for various heights and speeds of rocket coasters, as well as writing and crossing out 420 repeatedly.  Police found no evidence of drugs in Taney's possession.  

"He kept muttering something about a track length not being long enough, and something about the end of the world if Six Flags takes Cedar Point's record," said Taney's brother, the star quarterback at the local high school.  I really didn't understand any of it, or care.  It's been sunny and 70 degrees for five days straight. I've been outside. I try to stay away from my brother as much as possible."

When the half-functional demo of Roller Coaster Tycoon 3 was released on Monday, Taney reportedly blew off work at Burger King, his mother's birthday and his first date in five years to play the game.  On Wednesday morning at approximately 5:00 a.m., he was seen running around his neighborhood in underwear and a cape screaming "420!  3D!  450!  Atari!  120!  140!  I
don't know!"  Police were able to catch up with Taney easily as his three-hundred pound frame was jammed in the gate of his neighbor's fence.

Taney's only written statement was destroyed by spilled gravy, his only request once incarcerated and calmed down.