Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Theming Details of Patriot Revealed

Coaster enthusiasts and the general amusement-park visiting public of Kansas/Missouri were flush with excitement after the announcement by Kansas City-area Worlds of Fun that the park would debut a new Bolliger & Mabillard-designed inverted steel coaster called Patriot in 2006. Now the expectations for the ride will be raised a degree, as Worlds of Fun today revealed plans for the theming of the ride, as well as the surprise that "Patriot" was only part of the name for the attraction.

The full name will be "Patriot Whine."

"Most people assumed Worlds of Fun was just trying to draw red-blooded Americans into the gates with a USA-themed ride," said WOF Customer Relations Undersecretary Beatrice Colvin. "In actuality, the coaster will be themed to the fact that the New England Patriots and their fans are a bunch of sorry-ass whining crybabies who can't accept a butt-whupping with any dignity."

The coaster will be the culmination of a story-driven multi-sensory thrill experience that offers several different rooms that make use of water and mud special effects, animatronics, 360-degree movies, and other, as-yet-unannounced, forms of stimulation.

As park guests wind their way through the attraction, they will see some of the following:

-The Belichick Hall of Mighty Genius, where, on massive Imax screens accompanied by special effects, Patriots coach Bill Belichick will claim that the Patriots only lost their playoff game against the Denver Broncos because the refs cheated and made a bunch of bad calls against his team. He will also refuse to do some simple math equations that show the refs made one idiotic pass interference penalty against Asante Samuel that led to Denver getting 7 gift points, and Denver won by 14 points, meaning the idiotic interference call was not the reason the team was beaten. Belichick will continue whining like a little bitch over the referees even when it is pointed out that the Patriots were able to go to two of their recent Super Bowls as a direct result of two infamous instances of referee idiocy against the teams that the Pats were playing: the Tuck Play (2002) against the Raiders and the refs allowing the Patriot D to pretty much grab, hold, tackle, trip, or sodomize any Colt receiver from the line of scrimmage up to 50 yards (2004). At no point will Belichick be a man and admit that a better team forced a ton of turnovers and generally pounded his ass.

-The Tom Brady Experience, where an animatronic doll of Tom Brady will be sycophantically fawned over for five years by all the nation's sports reporters, to the point where all of them practically offer on the air to suck his dick whenever it's convenient for him. Then, during the playoffs, he will inexplicably lash out that the media doesn't respect him and The Man is holding him down, and after the loss he will say that Denver only won because the Patriots screwed up and kept dropping the ball, apparently all on their own and not because Denver players kept hitting them really, really hard. Experts who have been allowed to tour the under-construction ride say that the Tom Brady animatronic figure is amazing, and will engage in "astonishingly realistic pouting, whining, and crying."

-Upon boarding the ride, another animatronic figure, this one of linebacker Tedy Bruschi, will leap out and inform riders that they need to "get the f*ck out of my face," after which he will sulk in a corner and sniffle. At this point, passengers will be treated to a high-speed inverted coaster ride with several jaw-dropping loops, while sounds of various Patriots players being very sore losers and throwing shrill temper tantrums are piped in through a state-of-the-art speaker system installed within each coaster car.

Patriot Whine is expected to open along with the rest of Worlds of Fun this April.