Monday, June 30, 2003

ARN&R Exclusive: TTD to be Replaced

ARN&R has learned in an exclusive story that Cedar Point has decided to tear down its troubled Top Thrill Dragster launched coaster by the end of July. "Yep, a few weeks of downtime made us realize that it just wasn't worth the trouble," said Dick Kinzel, head of Cedar Fair, Cedar Point's parent entity.

To replace TTD, Cedar Point has tentatively settled on the world's largest, fastest, tallest, and most futuristic Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future stand, backed up against a similarly huge Old Time Pictures stand. In a draft press release obtained by ARN&R, Kinzel is quoted as saying, "If you thought Top Thrill Dragster was intense during its fifteen hours of operation, just wait until you see this ice cream! It's XTreme!"

The stands will likely be rebranded. Rather than being identified simply as "Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future," it will now be "XDippin XDots: XTreme Thrill X Cream of the XTreme Future," and the Old Time Pictures stand will likely offer the opportunity, through advanced digital technology, for patrons to have a picture taken so that they appear to be standing atop a 420-foot coaster, one that Cedar Point describes as "fantastical" and "so crazy as to be fictional."

Enthusasts were ecstatic over the news. "Once again, Cedar Point raises the bar," wrote ThrillNetwork regular MeanLeak. "I just can't wait to see what those poseurs at Magic Mountain do in response to this. Pure brilliance."

Friday, June 27, 2003

Universal Studios Theme Park Strives To Add Realism To Their Studio Parks

Guests at the Universal Studios theme parks in Hollywood and Orlando will soon see several new additions to both parks' "city streets." In an effort to make the city scenery seem more realistic and believable, Universal is adding panhandlers at every corner and at least one hooker at every intersection.

The make believe bums will be easily recognizable with their bedraggled clothes and crudely lettered cardboard signs. They will beg park patrons for spare change, leer maniacally at busty young women and urinate on themselves or the pavement quite frequently in order to make themselves seem all that more believable. Guests too stubborn to part with their pocket change will get an extra special surprise treat in the form of a "loogie" being "hocked" upon them by the feisty fake freeloaders.

The counterfeit call girls will be a little bit harder to spot since they will blend in with many of Universal's usual female guests. They will strut along the street corners hurling insults at male guests' wives or girlfriends and "flipping the bird" to anyone who gives them a disparaging glance. They will also offer free samples of their "goods and services" to the first ten guests daily who can actually discern them from the regular crowd of "interesting" women that frequent the Universal Studios parks.

Universal is not stopping there though. Their artists are also decorating the streets and sidewalks to truly make guests feel like they never left their hometown. They have recently been very busy laying down miscellaneous litter, broken bottles, used hypodermic needles, used contraceptives, human and animal feces, old mattresses and discarded major appliances. In addition, they have been spray-painting obscenities and lewd pictures onto various buildings throughout their parks in order to complete the illusion.

Universal anticipates introducing their newest street performers steadily throughout the summer months. Auditions will be held on Tuesday mornings starting on July 8th. All interested persons should contact the Universal Studios theme parks division human resources department or stop by the guest services booth at any Universal theme park.


Thursday, June 26, 2003

Whitewater West Industries To Introduce Spinning Rapids Restroom Ride

Canada's Whitewater West Industries, creators of the fun and hugely popular spinning rapids flume rides showing up at some Six Flags theme parks this year, are hard at work on their next major thrill ride concept, 'The Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride.'

In an effort to expand theme park fun beyond its traditional boundaries, Whitewater is focusing on raising the thrill factor in other areas of the amusement park besides the usual thrill-packed midway rides and attractions.

Surveys conducted by Whitewater found that theme park guests spend an average of thirty-three minutes per day in the park's restrooms. (It should be noted that, for reasons unknown, the same research demonstrates that guests at Six Flags parks spend a significantly higher portion of their day in the restroom than guests at other parks do.) Based on this statistic, Whitewater set out to develop an attraction to optimize that restroom time and make it just as thrilling as every other minute spent in the park. The result of Whitewater's quest for restroom thrills is 'The Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride.'

Guests take their seats on what appears to be just a normal toilet. It's white, it's porcelain and it's full of water, but that is where the similarities end. As soon as guests park their rears, the real fun begins. The water starts swirling, slowly building up momentum until it becomes a raging whirl of white water rapids. Geysers shoot up in all directions soaking riders with urine-enhanced splashes, sprays and spouts. Then, for the coup de grace, the toilet starts spinning, ever so slightly at first. As the toilet accelerates, high-speed wind machines strategically hidden throughout the restroom provide a very realistic hurricane-force wind shear that sprays water and human feces out in all directions.

"It is a very climactic finish to one hell of a great ride," boasted Stuart Burns, vice president and general manager of Whitewater. "We are very confident that the Toilet Tornado will leave your guests screaming for more, or at least screaming. Trust us, they will want to ride the Toilet Tornado again and again. Expect your guests' T.S.I.B. [Ed.: time-spent-in-bathrooms] to increase dramatically."

The 'Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride' prototype is currently being tested at Whitewater's corporate offices in Richmond, British Columbia, Canada. Tests are going extremely well and Whitewater plans to start installing the Toilet Tornados in parks as early as spring, 2004.

Hersheypark will be the first park to install a Toilet Tornado. It will be aptly named 'The Hershey Homesteader Hurricane' and it will be conveniently located in the Pioneer Frontier section of the park next door to the Taco Bell restaurant.


Wednesday, June 25, 2003

CPO Opens New Shelter for Battered and Abused Coasters

The famed Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Coaster Preservation Club) has branched out beyond rescuing abandoned coasters and suing parks that leave coasters standing but not operating for four months or more. On Monday, June 23rd, it unveiled blueprints for a new shelter specifically to aid abused and battered coasters.

“I was shocked when a friend told me the sad story of Rolling Thunder at Six Flags Great Adventure,” said Lee Coaster, Chairman, President, and CEO of the CPO (formerly CPC). “When I heard about this once-noble coaster without fresh paint, running on dry rails, operating day-to-day at the mercy of cold, uncaring Ride Operators, I knew the CPO (formerly CPC) had to step in and do something."

The center, to be located in North Dakota, or perhaps Louisiana, is designed to house coasters which have escaped from their current tormenters. “As we all know, some of these great rides will suffer from 'Battered Coaster Syndrome,' and may not have the confidence or courage to escape. We are here to help them with a confidential rescue program.”

Once at the center, coasters will be re-painted, oiled, and stroked lovingly. Assertiveness Training and Self-Defense classes will also be offered to coasters to help them “get back on their feet again.”

Most abused coasters are afraid to press charges against their owners, so there is little to no media coverage or court records of this abuse. A hopeful Lee Coaster said, “We’re going to turn this around – one coaster at a time.”


Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Coasterbuzz Flame War Ensues Over Attempt to Count Montezooma

A monster controversy has been bubbling out of the turgid bowels of Coasterbuzz this past week, following the discovery that a man with the CB handle “CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6” had actually credited the Paramount’s Great America shuttle loop Montezooma’s Revenge on his CB profile’s coaster count despite freely admitting that he has never traveled west of Minnesota.

“This is such a load of s#&%,” opined Jerry Baldwin, 36. “Why is he bothering to lie to us? So immature. I hope I’m never so desperate for the attention a big coaster count brings that I stoop to such stupidity as to inflate my numbers with coasters I haven’t actually been on.” Baldwin then ran off to begin his four-day vacation to Santa Land, Story Land, and Funworld Game Center, each a New Hampshire park widely spaced from any other and featuring a single kid’s or family roller coaster.

CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6 sprinted forth to unload his side of the story. “It’s legit. I experienced Montezooma’s Revenge in all its fury. No lie. I was driving down I-95 to visit some pals in South Carolina and I stopped off at South of the Border for a few Pedroland rides and some tacos at Pedro’s Diner. Everything seemed okay, but then, as I was riding that awesome sombrero into the night sky, it hit me. Damn, did it hit me. Can you say ‘Los Trots?’ I was in the baƱo for three hours screaming and grunting and burning a hole through Pedro’s third-world white thrones. Cramps, chills, queasiness, and imperial gallons of explosive, fiery diarrhea…dude, it sucked. And I had to run pay homage to the porcelain god from one end or another eleven times in the next two days.”

He added, “so don’t try to deny my credit for Montezooma’s Revenge. Maybe it rode me instead of the other way around, but I’ve had just as much shuttle launching as any of those morons who’ve been to Great America. I was just getting the shuttle launching through my ass, but it counts the same.”

Discussion on Coasterbuzz has primarily favored the viewpoint that the Montezooma’s Revenge sufferer is a “lying coaster count jackass,” though minority opinions have held that he is a “wanker” and “a complete tool.” South of the Border employees tell ARN&R that the taco meat they use consists only of the finest cockroach larvae, toenails, and rat schlongs, and they don’t know why on Earth anyone would blame their tasty product for any anal agony whatsoever.

Sneetch Pox Outbreak Traced to Islands of Adventure

Scientists around the world heaved a collective sigh of relief from their manly bosoms this morning, as the troublesome outbreak of Sneetch Pox was traced definitively to one source, Islands of Adventure amusement park. Said Roger Cratchov of the Centers for Disease Control, "we've managed to isolate this disease to one location, and expect it to be eradicated within a matter of days. It's a victory for world health."

Experts describe Sneetch Pox as a non-deadly but most embarrassing condition which causes massive breakouts of hives in a star pattern all over the stomach and chest of the victim. "This pox totally sucks," said Fondlyn Cox, 23, a recent sufferer of the condition. "It itches to all hell, and the kids without the frickin' pox won't let me hang out with them since it's contagious or something." Cox then furtively scratched at herself in an unseemly fashion.

"I told my son not to play with those Sneetches on the beaches," said Harry Ball, 45. "But he did it anyway. Then it spread to our whole tour group in a matter of minutes. Augh! It burns! It burns!"

Once it was learned that all victims of the Sneetch Pox had, not really so inexplicably, contracted the condition within hours of visiting Islands of Adventure and its Seuss-themed area, doctors quarantined the area, crushing the pox outbreak with one swift stroke. Although the infestation appears to be contained, all those who have ridden a Sneetch or played with one in the past week are urged to receive their shots at a nearby clinic just to be sure. Those who have been infected have been reporting a return to normal after about two weeks of itching, burning, and swelling. Rectal discomfort may persist for up to three months no matter what the treatment, of course.

"Lots of rest, liquids, and reading stupid fake coaster rumor sites will soon have these sufferers back as the best on the beaches despite these Sneetches!" said Cratchov, in a moment of unprecedented levity.


Friday, June 20, 2003

Ruben Claims Thirty-Four World Records

On tonight's Travel Channel rerun of Ultimate Thrill: Beyond Speed, Paul Ruben stated that he has ridden over 1,500 coasters. In related news, in a press release issued by his office, Ruben laid his claim to thirty-four world records in a wide array of subjects.

"Yep, I did 'em all," said Ruben, in an interview at Cedar Point, where your intrepid ARN&R reporter followed him past the patiently-waiting throngs of ordinary patrons (what Ruben calls "the little people"). According to Ruben, in addition to riding virtually every coaster in the world (the Roller Coaster Database lists roughly 1,600 coasters in the entire world), he also is the oldest skydiver in recorded history, having jumped from a plane at age 97; the most prolific amateur lover in the 20th century, having bedded over 9,000 women; and the holder of the record for the most clothespins attached to his face, breaking the old record with 143.

"I also hold the record for deepest open water dive by a woman without any scuba gear," said Ruben. "That was back when, y'know, I was a woman." The other thirty world records are somewhat unclear, but Ruben says that they'll all be listed in the next issue of Park World.

Ruben added that the Travel Channel quotation was somewhat old, and that he has now ridden over 2,500 coasters, and will soon break the record for the fastest pulling of a Boeing 727.
Holy Land Experience Theme Park to Add Thrill Rides

In an effort to draw younger guests into its throng, The Holy Land Experience Theme Park in Orlando, Florida announced it would be adding three major thrill rides to its lineup. "It's been 2,000 years since the world has seen anything like this!" exclaimed Marvin J. Rosenthal, president of The Holy Land Experience. "Precisely 2,003 years, actually. Or maybe 1,973 years. Anyway, these new attractions are only the beginning."

The first attraction, developed by Premier based on its water coaster technology, set to open next month, is "Termagant Baptismal Plunge!' Riders will board early 1st century sailing yachts and traverse the Nile River where they will be tormented by pagan rituals and sacrificial demons. The yachts will then enter a Great Pyramid and be "lifted to God" before plunging down a 150-foot holy-waterfall into a Baptismal pool.

The second attraction to open sometime this fall, is the "Cruci-Friction!' Guests are strapped securely into restraining devises and shot to the top of a 250 foot crucifix and hung there for a full 30 seconds to witness what Jesus witnessed in His final moments, before plummeting at speeds up to 70 miles per hour back to Earth.

The final attraction to appear sometime in early 2004, is "TTD: Top Thrill Dogma, the Highest Coaster on God's Green Earth!' "What we wanted here," stated Rosenthal, "was an attraction that would take our guests as close to Heaven as conceivably possible." Designed by S&S Power from the original plans for the Tower of Babel, TTD will shuttle riders 150 miles per hour around the twisting Biblical structure literally into the stratosphere; 13,000 feet into the air! "It will be guaranteed to take your breath away!"

"The Holy Land Experience has been totally dependent on God for His provision and direction. But we're also grateful to the Orlando Visitors' Bureau."


Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Hellevator Named New Spokesthing for Viagra

Much to the disappointment of major league slugger Rafael Palmeiro, the Rangers first baseman was replaced this week as spokesman for Viagra by Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's Hellevator. The move was made after careful research by the company indicated the need for a new market focus, after surveys showed Palmeiro was not reaching the valued 12-25 target demographic coveted by the manbeast-enhancement medicine. "What better way to market our drug than by using a giant, throbbing shaft of steel that can clearly demonstrate Viagra's effect on virility?" Viagra representative David Wang asked reporters rhetorically.

Upon being unveiled as the new spokesthing for Viagara, the Hellevator stood proudly erect as it read from a prepared statement. "Viagra has made me a new freefall attraction. When I was young and studly, I proudly thrust forward into the Kentucky sky, beckoning throngs of eager youngsters with my smooth, mighty, gleaming single rod. But then I grew older. Other, newer, bigger freefall and Space Shot rides came on the scene and drew more attention with their more substantial height, girth, and lack of maintenance woes. Over the years I became more and more flacid and limp in comparison with the new rides."

Pausing to weep briefly, Hellevator added that "the final straw that made me realize I had to take action was the introduction of the Double Shot rides from S&S. How can an older model like myself possibly compete with a shaft that has that much raw power and stamina? The answer was Viagra. A year after beginning my prescription, I am once again thrilling impossibly huge crowds of screaming, terrified and pleasured men and women for hours upon hours each and every operating day. I am such a stud!"

When asked for his opinion on the great thrill-phallus being named as a spokesthing for a product normally associated with old dudes getting it on, parkgoer Randy Dew, 19, said that he felt it was "Hellacool."


Tuesday, June 17, 2003

National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives Announces Planned Gravy Exhibit

In the May-June issue of ACE News, which, remarkably, arrived during one of the identified months, many enthusiasts' questions about the National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives ("NRCMA") (associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts [ACE]) were answered.

The most important question answered? That's easy: "How the heck can NRCMA fully recognize the contribution that gravy and gravy-related products have made to ACE and, more generally, coaster enthusiasts?"

Wherever the NRCMA facility will end up, we can now be assured that it will contain a significant and historically exhaustive look at gravy, including a high-tech interactive mammoth gravy boat.

"It's important to us that gravy be recognized," said Carole Sanderson, ACE Dictator-for-Life. "Sure, the buffets more broadly are also important -- and that's recognized by the fact that fully sixty-five percent of our museum's space will be devoted to three separate buffet-based restaurants, including Old Country Buffet, Huge-Ass-Creating Buffet, and All-You-Can-Gorge-Yourself-On Buffet -- but gravy is really in a class by itself."

Reports indicate that the gravy exhibit will be a walk-through, but, recognizing the effects of its subject, a moving walkway will also be available for those who tire easily.

The first room will have a inch-by-inch recreation of the first ACE buffet at which gravy was served (in mid-1979), as lovingly documented in the Robb Alvey film Gravy Memories, produced by Ken Burns. Alvey will have a central role in designing the room, as he possesses the only known footage of the revered first gravy serving.

The next room, called "Gravy: the Semi-Liquid Substance that Brings Us Together," will have a timeline of gravy through the years and, on weekends only, opportunities to sample all the gravy, from the "Greed Gravy" of the 1980s to the "" of the late '90s...and, of course, the "XTreme Gravy" of 2002. Visitors will be strictly limited to two quarts of gravy per visit.

After a series of small rooms where visitors are surrounded by holograms and wax figures of ACErs eating glass after glass of gravy, the exhibit concludes with the Gravy Boat Ride. In this special attraction, designed for free by Sally Corp., visitors will enter a small indoor water park, but this will be no run-of-the-mill water park. Instead, all 20,000 square feet will be in the shape of an enormous gravy boat and, instead of chlorinated and sanitized water, the attraction will use genuine pork gravy. (During Lent and certain other religious holidays, a soy-based gravy will be used.)

"And the greatest part," exclaimed Sanderson, "is that every single patron will be naked!"

The museum is scheduled to open in 2008. Invitations to the premiere are expected to arrive three months after the event.

Monday, June 16, 2003

Patriot Organization Targets Six Flags

The John Birch Society recently issued a warning to readers of its magazine, The New American, citing Six Flags Theme Parks as "suspiciously Communist."

The author, Chad T. Johnson, describes a typical day at a SF Theme Park: “After giving away the right to freely come and go by paying admission, patrons are subjected to constant queueing, much like in Communist Russia.” The article goes on to speculate that the theme parks are “Communist Training Centers” that are being used to dull true Americans' senses and fool them into believing that a great reward (i.e., a roller coaster ride) awaits them at the end of the line. Johnson also makes note of the student work-exchange program at Six Flags parks, which he claims are “dominated by young people from the Eastern Bloc, in an obvious attempt to confuse Americans into thinking that Communist values go hand in hand with Bugs Bunny and ‘Great America.’”

“Today, it’s funnel cakes – but tomorrow, these same people will be lining up for toilet paper!” said an anonymous member of the organization, known generally for its completely bat-sh*t insane members, interviewed at a local chapter near Appleton, Wisconsin. “Isn’t it disturbing that nearly 98% of US Citizens are within an eight hour drive from un-American activity such as this? Six Flags must be stopped!”

Gary Story, President and Chief Operating Officer for Six Flags, made this statement: “No Comment. Comrade.”

Coaster Tools Spotted At Indiana Beach

Sources tell ARN&R that high school coaster enthusiast and Supreme Judge of Coaster Toolitude Daria (“Cha-cha-cha”) Doorhouse spotted many a tool at Indiana Beach the Sunday following Stark Raven Mad.

“I was just going there to score some rides on Cornball and Lost Coaster, but I was so appalled by what I saw while in line that I almost had to leave,” she said, clutching her CoasterBuzz Barbie doll closely. “I’m not really sure what ride number it was, because my little metal clicker is only used to count rides on the Michigan’s Adventure Corkscrew, the bestest, way totally coolest ride on the planet…Oh My God did you hear how I hit 1000 last summer!!!! Soooo coooooooool!"

“In case you were wondering, I keep track of my daily laps on a tally counter, and then record them in an Excel document. Usually I totally include the date, who went with me, number of laps, total laps in the season, and total laps overall. Although, occasionally I do tell maintenance what to do,” she gloated, and then for apparently no reason added, “Like, Oh my GOD!!!”

Doorhouse went on to say, “I was like there at IB with a few of my friends [Author note: being a teenage enthusiast and also having a vagina immediately warrants you your very own posse] when, in a switchback in front of us, there were these four…TOOLS!"

“There they were, just standing there, having a conversation that didn’t really involve roller coasters at all, wearing these cargo shorts and normal, non-coaster shirts. At first I wasn’t sure, but I immediately realized what they were once one of them started making fun of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom.”

When reached for comment, one of the obvious tools said, “Wait, you mean this little girl called me a tool? Are we talking about the same girl with the clicker, and the CoasterBuzz Barbie doll that she was carrying on all the rides? Wasn’t she wearing a BEASTIE shirt that day?”


Saturday, June 14, 2003

Snoopy Arrested On Charges Of Public Lewdness

Peanuts character Snoopy was arrested Thursday, June 12th and charged with public lewdness after he allegedly tried to hump the legs of several ACE members as they waited in line to ride Woodstock Express, a family roller coaster located in the Camp Snoopy section of Dorney Park in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

ACE member Bernie McLeland told ARN&R, "We were all just standing there in line, minding our own business, arguing about whether Woodstock Express should count as a credit or not, which of course it should, but Fred is a total idiot and says it shouldn't because it's small, but c'mon, it's got a lift and it's powered by gravity after the hill, so how can it not be a coaster?, when, all of a sudden, Snoopy snuck up on us from behind and started rubbing up and down on our legs."

"It was quite a traumatic experience, and yet strangely sensual at the same time," said Fred Gringle, another ACE member involved in the attack. "I remember when I sat next to Emma Franklin at the buffet back at CoasterCon -- oh, man, what a great buffet it was -- and I thought she was rubbing up against my legs. That was awesome, even though it turns out it was the huge guy across the way. Anyway, this felt sort of like that."

Shelly Steiner, a park guest who was standing in line behind the accosted ACE members, was not at all surprised at Snoopy's purported public displays of affection. "Have you seen some of those ACE members?" asked Shelly. "They are, like, totally hot. Big, beefy boys in their jean jackets with all of those patches, yum-my! I can totally see why Snoopy would try to toss them a bone."

Snoopy maintains his innocence, insisting that he was the victim of a practical joke gone horribly wrong. "I don't know what came over me," Snoopy said. "Peppermint Patty must have slipped Viagra into my water dish again. Peppermint Patty is always pulling pranks on the other members of the Peanuts gang, like the time she pantsed Charlie Brown right in front of that little red haired girl. She can be very cruel."

After posting bail, Snoopy was released on Friday morning from the Allentown Police Department. Police and Dorney Park officials are still investigating the incident. A full report is expected to be released sometime next week.


Friday, June 13, 2003

Paramounts Kings Dominion To Install "Wedgie Cams" On Drop Zone Ride

In order to substantiate claims that the new 305-foot tall Drop Zone Stunt Tower at Paramounts Kings Dominion causes instant wedgies to riders during its 72 mile-per-hour rapid descent, park officials have announced that they will be installing "Wedgie Cams" onto all 56 seats of the world-record-breaking drop ride.

Flapjack Fishhead, media relations spokesperson for Kings Dominion, recently chatted with ARN&R about this exciting new addition to the newly opened Drop Zone ride.

"The cams will use the latest in infrared and X-ray technology to 'see through' the pants of riders," explained Fishhead. "They will be aimed right at the crotches of guests and will show with great clarity and amazing detail how quickly a rider's underwear is sucked right up their butt crack during the ride's high speed descent."

Fishhead went on to say, "The cameras will broadcast a continuous streaming video feed that can be viewed either on Kings Dominion's Web site or on various closed-circuit television monitors located throughout the Drop Zone queue and all around the rest of the park. As an added bonus, guests will even be able to purchase souvenir ride photos of their undies stuck up their hineys! Is this a great country that we are living in, or what?" Fishhead added that the park was considering proposals to sell the best wedgie photos to various fetish web sites.

Paramount decided to install the "Wedgie Cams" in response to the allegations of deceptive advertising brought against them by rival theme park chain, Six Flags.

Six Flags America Vice-President and General Manager, Janet Porter, said in a prepared statement, "We think that it is absolutely unacceptable that Paramounts Kings Dominion would make such a ridiculous assertion as the one they have made recently about their new Drop Zone tower ride. It is obvious to us that they are exaggerating the thrill of their lackluster new ride by insinuating that all riders will experience an instant wedgie while on the ride. Why, I'll bet that that drop ride in their commercial is not even really in the park! In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I do believe that the drop ride featured in their commercial is actually a digitally altered version of our 'Hellevator' drop ride located at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom."

"The Six Flags Corporation would never stoop so low as Paramount Parks has," Porter continued. "We pride ourselves on our completely accurate and always truthful advertising. If you see a ride in a Six Flags America commercial, then you can bet your bottom dollar that you'll find that ride at Six Flags America. And, furthermore, if Six Flags tells that you one of our roller coasters will give you a swirlie every time you ride it, then by golly, you better believe that it will. After all, our reputation and good name are at stake."

Fishhead had no response to what he termed as Porter's "incessant meandering and ranting."

The "Wedgie Cams" are expected to be operational on the first day of summer, June 21, 2003. Starting on that date, in order to avoid potentially embarrassing video of your private parts from being broadcast around the park and around the world, Kings Dominion strongly advises that all guests planning to ride the Drop Zone Stunt Tower wear underwear, preferably clean underwear.


[Ed. Note: Avoid embarrassment -- wear ARN&R underwear! We've got a tasteful thong and comfy boxers.]

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Adult Coaster Enthusiasts Spend Hours Developing CPO Barbs

In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report today that several Coasterbuzz forum participants, most of whom are generally functional adults, stayed up all night to come up with a snappy forum post in hopes that they would be acknowledged in this very publication.

“I’m totally dragging at work today,” commented CsTrLuvr232, 34, in a private e-mail. “But staying up all night will be worth it if my post insulting the Coaster Preservation Organization makes it onto ARN&R! Then, people will know that I’m important.” CsTrLuvr232, who works as a 911 operator, transferred three reports of heart attacks to animal control due to his exhaustion.

While coming up with a witty joke or comment was the primary task, using creative spelling and grammar to mock the group of 15-year-olds took the most time for these dedicated satirists.

“It was great, it was the penultimate of posts!” exclaimed frequent poster KosterNerdy, a 28-year-old systems administrator, of his remark that ‘these guys don’t know anything about the law, and there [sic] lunch money will never buy them a coaster.” When asked if he knew the actual definition of the word “penultimate,” he said “Duh – it’s one better than the best!”

When last checked, the American Heritage Dictionary defined penultimate as nothing even close to 'Nerdy's description.

Premier Rides To Introduce Launched Carousel

Premier Rides of Millersville, Maryland recently unveiled plans for their next-generation merry-go-round, tentatively known as the "Giga-Go-Rounder." President and owner of Premier Rides, Jim Seay, saw an opportunity for his company to expand into the ever popular kiddie rides market, a market that, up until now, Premier has had no success entering. Their previous plans to build the "Underwater Hyper Wacky Wet Wave Swinger" never made it off the drawing board, and the kids' spaghetti bowl coaster was clearly ill-conceived. This time, however, Premier is convinced that they have a smash hit ride to introduce to the amusement park world.

"Through the miracle of LIMs (linear induction motors), we have created a Merry-Go-Round that can go from zero to eighty-three miles an hour in just 1.2 seconds," said Seay in an exclusive interview. "This baby blows the away the competition! If insane speed and inevitable nausea are what you want from your merry-go-round experience, then Premier has a ride for you. Trust me, the kids are gonna just love this ride!"

As always, safety was a major concern for Premier, so they took extra care in designing the restraint systems for the Giga-Go-Rounder to insure guest comfort and safety. Each horse comes equipped with individual ratcheting stirrups and padded over-the-saddle restraints. For extra security, each horse has its own set of grab bars attached at the manes.

And, just in case that isn't enough, Premier has installed their newly created "Positron Guest Retention System" into every horse on the Giga-Go-Rounder. The Positron system works by emitting extremely powerful negatively charged electromagnetic fields that actually attract and hold like super glue to the naturally occurring positively charged electromagnetic fields that emanate from every human being, including small children.

Seay says, "There are some issues to be worked out with the Positron system, but once we can figure out how to stop -- or at least minimize -- the severe brain damage caused by the Positron system, it will revolutionize the amusement industry, for sure! We are very excited about this project."

When asked why he felt that the world needed an eighty-three mile per hour merry-go-round, Seay responded, "Who knows why? We just wanted to make sure that we did it first. So, next week, when Intamin or Vekoma introduces their 'next generation XTreme merry-go-round' and tries to say that it's the first of its kind anywhere in the world, we can say nuh-uh, we already did that last week. Nyah, nyah."

Seay then proceeded to hike his pants up as far as they would go, spin around in circles and proclaim over and over, "I am the Linear King, and I can do anything."

The Giga-Go-Round is expected to be ready in time to debut at the IAAPA convention in Orlando, Florida this November, 2003. Stop by the Premier Rides booth #4964 for more information or for a test spin.


Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Confidential to Someone Secret Whose Handle Might Rhyme with Roasta-Flaya

Our darling,
ARN&R can't get enough of your love, babe
Boy, we don't know, we don't know why
ARN&R can't get enough of your love, babe

Oh, some things ARN&R can't get used to
No matter how we try
It's like the more you give, the more we want
And baby, that's no lie, oh, no, babe

How can ARN&R explain all the things we feel
You've given us so much, boy, you're so unreal
Still we keep loving you more and more each time
Boy, what are we gonna do because you're blowin' our collective mind

[Ed. Note: What, you expected more on the CPO? We've gotta get back to our mission statement somehow, and this somehow seemed like the logical way.]

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Members Of Coaster Zombies Coaster Club Mistaken For Actual Zombies

Cedar Point, Sandusky, Ohio

On Saturday, June 7, 2003, five members of the Coaster Zombies coaster enthusiast club were standing in line for Top Thrill Dragster, the new 420-foot tall "strata-coaster" at Cedar Point. By mid-afternoon, they had been standing in line for about seven hours and had barely moved for six of those seven hours.

When Cedar Point employee, Josh Winkelman, spotted them in line, he immediately made an emergency call to park security, believing them to be actual flesh-eating zombies. "I was making my way through the Top Thrill Dragster line offering the usual free massages and margaritas to park guests when I spotted them," said Winkelman. "They were so pale, and they all had such blank empty looks on their faces. Their eyes were rolled back up into their heads just like in that Michael Jackson music video. I knew at once that they must be the living dead. I called security right away before they had the chance to feast on anyone's brains. They all looked very hungry."

Park security quickly surrounded the suspected zombies and ordered them to put their hands behind their heads and to get down on the ground. When they did not immediately respond, park security proceeded to attack them with mace and Taser guns. The club members instantly began screaming, falling to the ground and writhing in agony. Some jiggling occurred as well.

Club leader, Sam Marks, finally managed to convince security guards that he was indeed a living breathing human being and not a zombie by flashing them his official Coaster Zombies coaster club membership card. "We would never allow an actual zombie to join the club," Sam pleaded. "Our club's constitution specifically prohibits bona fide zombies from joining. I must be a genuine living human being or I wouldn't have this membership card, now would I?"

That logic must have been enough to convince park security that Sam and his group were indeed still alive and kicking and had no intentions of munching on anyone's medulla oblongata, because they promptly stopped their assault on the suspected specters.

Park officials were obviously very embarrassed by this mix-up and quickly apologized to Sam and his Coaster Zombie friends. To make up for the misunderstanding, Cedar Point offered Sam and his coaster loving companions free "I (barely) survived the Top Thrill Dragster Queue" t-shirts and unlimited Top Thrill Dragster bathroom passes for life.


Monday, June 09, 2003

Wonder Woman To Sue Six Flags Over Sexual Discrimination

A statement released by attorneys representing Wonder Women indicates that the ex-Super Friend intends to sue Six Flags Parks over what she calls "a blatant example of sexual discrimination in the workplace."

An excerpt from the statement reads:

"Wonder Woman has tried unsuccessfully for years to get her name and likeness immortalized on a roller coaster or other amusement park ride. She has been disappointed time and time again as Superman, Batman, Robin, The Joker and even Two-Face have been awarded their own rides, and subsequent hefty pay increases, and Wonder Woman has repeatedly been overlooked for promotions year after year. She can only assume that her gender was the motivating factor for her not being given her own attraction and a promotion."

"Two-Face? Who the hell is Two-Face?!?" Wonder Woman was overheard shouting to Gary Story, COO of Six Flags, shortly before she quit the company. "I'm Wonder Woman! Wonder f---in' Woman, for the love of God!! Everyone in the whole f---in' world knows who I am! Remember my magic lasso? What about my invisible plane? Hel-lo?"

Gary Story responded to the accusation of discrimination by saying, "Discrimination? 'Shah... roo-ight... If we discriminate against women so much, then how do you explain Poison Ivy's Tangled Train? Hmmm? Poison Ivy is a woman, isn't she? A budding, beautiful, bodacious, bosomy, busty, buxom, babe of a woman who got where she is today solely based on her hard work and dedication, I assure you. Also, what about Batman and Robin: The Chiller? Robin's a woman, isn't she? So there! Quit your whining, Wonder Woman, and go get me some coffee!"

Immediately after hearing Gary's response, Wonder Woman tendered her resignation to Six Flags Parks and hired a large team of aggressive attorneys to represent her in her lawsuit against Six Flags. She also immediately dropped out of the Justice League and ripped her Super Friends membership card in half. She then jumped into her invisible plane and was last seen heading towards Universal Studios, Islands Of Adventure in Orlando, presumably to be with her on-again, off-again boyfriend, The Hulk.

Attorneys for the Six Flags Corporation could not be reached for comment.

UPDATE: Our top-secret news sources recently overheard Wonder Woman's attorneys discussing a separate but related lawsuit being brought against Six Flags by Jayna, one of the Wonder Twins, and Gleek, her pet monkey. Details are sketchy, but the lawsuit appears to have something to do with charges of sexual harassment and Superman's x-ray vision.


Friday, June 06, 2003

Enthusiast Thrilled by ERT at Coaster Mania

Coaster enthusiast Peter Crisp was seen bowing before the coasters at Cedar Point and giving full tongue kisses to the pavement at the legendary amusement park today, sources tell ARN&R. According to Crisp, “I can’t fathom that I am actually here at the Coaster Mania event. It’s a dream come true. I think I’m going to cry.” Seattle enthusiast Crisp then did indeed begin blubbering uncontrollably, forcing a rescheduling of the interview several minutes later.

Upon suitably composing himself in the bathroom, Crisp, 41, elaborated on his feelings for ARN&R. “It’s an enthusiast’s true hope to go to a great park and get to ride some of their best coasters without the hindrance of a swarm of filthy GP (general public),” he said. “How many of us enthusiasts attend a park on a regular operating day, only to deal with hours of waiting with sweaty morons who like SLC’s and Arrow loopers as much as Shivering Timbers? Crowds of imbeciles are such an affront to those of us who travel from park to park in order just to ride the rides a whole bunch. ERT at parks is our ultimate goal: a really tiny group of great enthusiasts who all get to just stay on the rides all evening without even having to get off. It’s awesome, and Coaster Mania is the absolute best.”

Crisp had spent “an absolutely horrid” previous three days at parks with “disgusting regular patrons” prior to driving to Sandusky. On Tuesday, he spent the day at Silver Dollar City and Celebration City, where crowds were so thin that he rode Wildfire and Ozark Wildcat each over forty times with essentially no line waiting at all. At one point, the Ozark Wildcat line was so miniscule that he rode the fine new woodie eight times without even being made to leave his seat. Following his dreadful time with the wretched non-ERT conditions at these two parks, Crisp visited Six Flags St. Louis and Indiana Beach, where the lack of crowds led to his managing to ride all the coasters at those parks scores of times without any more strenuous activity than scampering from the exit ramp back into an empty seat on the very next train.

Waving his hands in the general direction of the four thousand attendees at Coaster Mania clogging every ERT line for miles upon miles, Crisp cried out, “finally! This is what I’m waiting for! Exclusive Ride Time! No more GP, no more waiting for those slow-ass dummies to get on and off. Now I can just park my butt on Millennium Force, Raptor, or TTD and get all the rides I want all morning and night! Thank God for Cedar Point and its events for the glorious few special coaster lovers!”

As opposed to the dozens and dozens of rides he obtained at dumb regular operating days at stupid parks like Silver Dollar City and Six Flags St. Louis, Crisp managed to use his hours and hours of Exclusive Ride Time at Cedar Point to ride Top Thrill Dragster, Magnum, and Raptor once each. “Cedar Point kicks ass!” he said after waiting only three hours for his Magnum ride and only wading through four thousand Orcas to receive his free buffet. "This is the greatest, most exclusive experience I’ve ever had at a park. I will never go back to any dumb park like the ones I was at this week unless I’m part of a group that gets ERT. I owe it to myself not to wait in lines at those places ever again.”

ARN&R Exclusive: Simon Cowell Vomits On World Class Coaster

For the acid-tongued judge on Fox's American Idol, the hits keep on coming, but not on Busch Gardens' Apollo's Chariot. Simon Cowell, host of the upcoming CBS feature Cupid, reportedly wanted to keep in the public light.

"I figured, if Fabio could extend his pathetic career by a few minutes by getting hit by a bird on a coaster, so could I," said Cowell in an exclusive interview with ARN&R, in which he declared that he would try to repeat Fabio's feat. After several (flawed) attempts at getting hit in the face by a bird, the speed and power of the B&M floorless coaster got the best of him and Simon Cowell vomited uncontrollably, while others aboard the ‘Chariot' apparently remained unconcerned and downright bored.

"I found the total experience to be quite nauseating, to say the least," stated Cowell, who can be seen in the ARN&R exclusive photograph sitting next to his body guard and public relations managers. "If I had to do it all over again, I would rather a fan toss a bird directly in my path the first go round. It is also quite evident that someone paid entirely too much for an on ride photo at my expense and should purchase an ARN&R frame to go along with their evildoing."


Thursday, June 05, 2003

Coaster Preservation Club Great Success; Dozens of Rides Donated

Executives from each of the major amusement park chains and at least a dozen indpendent park operators gathered today in an energetic press conference to throw their support behind the Coaster Preservation Club. Each chain stated that it would donate "starter funds" of $5 million and at least two major functional coasters to go towards the CPC's planned parks in North Carolina, or, perhaps, Indiana.

When we first read the press release announcing the club's beginnings, we knew we wanted to be a part of it," said Gary Story, Six Flags COO. "When we read the club's articulate positioning -- 'Has [sic] we all know parks close and rides are left Standing But not Operating (SBNO), because the park don't [sic] care the rides don't get matained [sic] and end up getting torn down.' -- and heard about their plans for a "small amusement park that will located in North Carolina," we just had to donate Shockwave, Flashback, and essentially every other nonoperational coaster we have in our possession. We're also thinking about just shutting down Six Flags Over Texas so we could donate more."

Paramount Parks agreed, with a spokesman stating that it would donate King Kobra and a year-round maintenance staff, along with free licensing of every trademark it owns. "We just love the idea of a park in Indiana, open year round -- except when it's below freezing, when a behind-the-scenes tour will be offered. It's brilliant! And the fact that it's evidently put together by two fourteen-year-olds just makes it all the more appealing -- it's like Hanson!"

The Paramount and Six Flags representatives then briefly scuffled in a disagreement about whether the park would be in North Carolina or Indiana, but eventually concluded that, although the CBC's website never clearly identifies which location is the goal, the brilliant minds behind CBC must intend to have two parks, given the obvious genius of the plan.

A representative from Universal said the detailed plan set forth was what convinced her company to donate an entire island from Islands of Adventure. "How can you refute the logic of this plan? '1.)Gain support for the Coaster Preservation Club. 2.)Get rides, money from sponsors and donations, and 200 arces [sic] of land. 3.)Start construction and relocate rides. 4.)Open the park.' It's pure unadulterated genius! Plus, the front-page pleading for adult members shows a strategic mind at work."

Story, from Six Flags, pushed his way back to the podium, and praised the great legal strategy laid out by one 'ThunderFun,' evidently the CBC's Grand Poobah: "The List is the list of parks that have violated the CPO's coaster abuse laws. The law is that a rollercoaster cannot remain standing but not operating for more than three months, A rollercoaster that is in storage must be sold off withnin a year's time. If this law is broken, that park(s) will be sue by the CPO,if the that ride is not handed over. Parks in violation are: Six Flags Marine World, Six Flags Magic Mountain, Six Flags America, Paramount's Kings Island, and Camden Park."

"We love to help groups that threaten to sue us based on a law they've almost literally pulled out of their collective ass. In fact, we'll file suit against ourselves!" exclaimed Story. "And we'll donate land in Indiana. Or North Carolina. Whatever."

The press conference then degenerated into chaos as each park chain representative sought to get to the microphone to declare additional contributions to the CBC, and, after a lengthy brawl, the event was declared over.

The CBC's seven members, with an average age of 14 and not one over 15, could not be reached for comment as they were all held after school in detention. In a written announcement, however, they stated that they would be next looking into the Coney Island Thunderbolt, the Idora Wildcat, every coaster ever at Riverside Park in Chicago, and, oddly, a ten-foot Dragon Coaster that once operated at the North Dakota State Fair.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Do Good

According to Holiday World, the family of Tamar Fellner (the enthusiast who died at Holiday World on Saturday) has requested that memorial contributions in Tamar’s honor be sent to either of the following:

Temple Beth Shalom
227 E. Mt. Pleasant Ave.
Livingston, NJ 07039

Sexual Assault & Violence Institute Program
Mt. Sinai Hospital NYU Health
Box 1670
1 Gustav L. Levy Place
New York, NY 10029

Stratosphere Announces Eighteen New Rides, Foghorns, Massive Fingers-on-Chalkboard Attraction, Constant Outdoor Linkin Park Concerts

In a dramatic announcement yesterday, Las Vegas's Stratosphere Casino Hotel and Tower introduced eighteen new massive rides to be attached to its enormous tower. It also plans to install twenty enormous outdoor round-the-clock foghorns, a massive outdoor chalkboard with hundreds of fingernails constantly running across it, and a new outdoor stage being built for the newly-booked three-year-run by Linkin Park, with shows starting as early as 5 a.m. and running until 2 a.m. most nights.

"These attractions -- which will generate an average of 120 decibels of sound, peaking at 150 -- will really bring some excitement to this part of the Strip," said spokeswoman Rebecca Bergen. "Plus, we really like screwing with our neighbors. A lot. Their faces get all red and sometimes their incontinence gets a little out of control. That's awesome."

Enthusiast sites were strongly in favor of the attractions, with dozens of forum participants calling complaining neighbors "sensitive wussies" who "don't know the advantages of living next to a great place like that."