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Stratosphere Announces Eighteen New Rides, Foghorns, Massive Fingers-on-Chalkboard Attraction, Constant Outdoor Linkin Park Concerts

In a dramatic announcement yesterday, Las Vegas's Stratosphere Casino Hotel and Tower introduced eighteen new massive rides to be attached to its enormous tower. It also plans to install twenty enormous outdoor round-the-clock foghorns, a massive outdoor chalkboard with hundreds of fingernails constantly running across it, and a new outdoor stage being built for the newly-booked three-year-run by Linkin Park, with shows starting as early as 5 a.m. and running until 2 a.m. most nights.

"These attractions -- which will generate an average of 120 decibels of sound, peaking at 150 -- will really bring some excitement to this part of the Strip," said spokeswoman Rebecca Bergen. "Plus, we really like screwing with our neighbors. A lot. Their faces get all red and sometimes their incontinence gets a little out of control. That's awesome."

Enthusiast sites were strongly in favor of the attractions, with dozens of forum participants calling complaining neighbors "sensitive wussies" who "don't know the advantages of living next to a great place like that."