Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy "Gives Up" On ACE Member

The taping of a recent episode of Bravo TV's new series, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, was halted after the five stars of the hit show decided unanimously that there was just no possible way that they could make their most recent straight guy appear attractive or seem even remotely interesting.

The episode was to feature ACE member Lance Fargun getting a makeover by the Fab Five while everyone discussed the latest and greatest new roller coasters and other amusement park happenings around the country. As a promotional tie-in, the group was also scheduled to make a post-makeover appearance at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey. Those plans have been scrapped as well.

The cast and crew realized as soon as they met Lance that they had quite a challenge ahead of them. After all, how easy could it be to make a hirsute, 310-pound, smelly, balding, Star Trek obsessed, coke bottle glasses wearing, roller coaster loving, freak of a geek seem at all interesting, much less look attractive? Confident in their abilities though, the Fab Five bravely move forward in their quest to reinvent Lance Fargun.

Taping had just barely begun when the cast and crew of the show started to realize their mammoth mistake. Fashion savant, Carson Kressley, was the first to express dismay at the situation. "There is just no @#$%-ing way that I can make you look trendy, hip and fashionable in a ratty old armpit-stained, moth-eaten Cedar Point Millennium Force t-shirt and a @#$%-ing scummy old jean jacket with ridiculously hideous roller coaster patches stuck all over it," Carson was overheard shrieking at Lance. "And, for the tenth, eleventh and twelfth time, NO, NO, NO, you do not look sexy in an official ACE club muumuu either," Carson continued.

Grooming Guru, Kyan Douglas did not have it any easier. After spending twenty minutes trying to guess which part of Lance's body each revolting odor was emanating from, thirty minutes filing the fungus off of Lance's toenails and two hours shaving the hair from Lance's back, ears, nose, toes and buttocks, a physically and emotionally drained Kyan fell to the ground, curled up into the fetal position and sobbed hysterically until his coworkers carried him off of the set.

Food and wine connoisseur, Ted Allen made one final unsuccessful endeavor to salvage the taping by attempting to educate Lance on fine food preparation and choosing the right wines to go with the right foods. However, after listening to Lance rant on and on incessantly about how "any meal without gravy, deep-fried Twinkies or at least something fried in hog lard" couldn't possibly be worth eating and how "Thunderbird is the best wine ever, and it already goes with everything", Ted realized that the five makeover mavens were in way over their heads with this project. The Fab Five quickly convinced the rest of the crew that it was time to pull the plug on this particular lifestyle conversion.

Lance was not the least bit taken aback by the whole turn of events and, if fact, was quite relieved to see the show leave. "At first, I thought it would be fun, and I hoped that maybe being on TV would help me score with some chicks. But, after that fruity design guy tried to tell me that it was time to take apart my K'nex roller coasters and put them away and when he suggested that maybe I shouldn't be wallpapering my apartment with amusement park brochures and souvenir photos of me riding roller coasters and eating churros at Six Flags Magic Mountain, I knew that these guys didn't really have a clue about anything," said Lance.

When ARN&R reporters asked Bravo TV if the show might consider replacing Lance with another, less disgusting ACE member for a future production, the show's producers responded by noting that their exhaustive interview and audition process had already eliminated every other member of ACE and that Lance was, in fact, the least repulsive member of ACE that the show could find. The show also held several unsuccessful auditions with members of fellow coaster enthusiast group, The Coaster Zombies, before abandoning the idea completely.

ARN&R Editor-in-Chief Suddenly Notices Almost All Hate Mail Aimed at JCK Articles

JCK “Nervous,” Say Sources

In a troublesome turn of events, the ARN&R Editor-in-Chief just noticed that nearly every piece of hate mail ever sent to the website was directed at an article written by JCK. According to “absolutely reliable” sources, the writer was “quite nervous” and “explosively crapping his pants” in fear of what the main man might do with this information.

“We’ve gotten plenty of profoundly stupid hate missives in our mailbox over the last few months,” said the Editor. “And of course, there are loads of people who can’t stand us in various coaster forums on the internet. But it just dawned on me, all of a sudden as I was driving today, that nearly every article that’s made people send us comically misspelled and venomous hate letters was responding to something that guy wrote. And most of the irate Coasterbuzz and ThemeParkCritic dismissals seem to be based on junk he’s posted, too. I rue the day I hired that little jackass.”

The Editor-in-Chief went on to add, ”I mean, it’s really easy to lose track of all the trouble he’s caused. For instance, that Amnesty International piece got us comments that we were wasting valuable internet space that would be better used for a real coaster rumor site, and mrceagle said ‘As a joke it [ARN&R] wasn't that funny. all [sic] of my family take parks very seriuslyand [sic] all thow [sic] we laffed [sic] after time we were apoled [sic] by the joke.’ Later we got some comments on an anti-Disney article JCK wrote from the same guy. Xfan accused us of being drunks after the infamous Great Escape article, and Gordon Beeferman got mad that anyone had thought to concoct a name that happened to be the same as his. Guess what? JCK wrote both of those. People accused us of Jumping the Shark after his mullet article appeared, and even Lisa Marie Presley fans wrote nasty stuff about us after he claimed her singing voice was ‘reminiscent of a horny stray tomcat.’”

JCK pointed out to reporters that “the Coaster Preservation Organization catfight was technically started by the Editor-in-Chief, although we both naturally participated. And there was that other wacko who didn’t like the porno article the E-I-C wrote. And one of my friends wrote in upset about the JWS article where Snoopy kept humping people’s legs. It’s not just me that people hate!”

The Editor-in-Chief disputes JCK’s statements. “Okay, the two count for me, I guess. But the JWS one doesn’t count. That was a personal email from a friend to JCK, and it used actual English grammar and functional spelling, unlike any of the other comments we get. More importantly, I’d love JCK to show me all the hate mail directed at articles by MMS or RAS or MEC or FMB or anyone else who has written for us.” A few seconds later, he made a loud buzzing sound with his lips and yelled “Game Over! Yeah, that’s right. There hasn’t been any hate mail directed at their articles!”

The Editor-in-Chief has not yet stated whether JCK will merely suffer a reduction in salary or be made to undergo some sort of corporal punishment to atone for his copious sins. “We could cane him, or rip all his toenails off with tweezers, but I think a more satisfactory punishment, one that will teach the lesson best, is to have JCK strapped onto a Vekoma Flyer and left riding it for an entire afternoon. After that, he’ll agree to anything, even writing nice happy articles about fluffy bunnies and little puppy dogs and how much he enjoys Six Flags parks.”