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Stephen Hawking Reverses Opinion: Black Hole Alters Matter and Returns it to Current Universe 
 
In major news from the world of science, noted astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has reversed his long-held opinion that matter entering a black hole will be completely destroyed or perhaps even shot into an alternate universe.  At a presentation in Dublin, Hawking stated that he now believes that black holes hold onto matter they capture, and then release the material back into their own universe over a great period of time and "in mangled form."

Patrons visiting the water park Wet 'N Wild, in Orlando, were relieved by this news.  Said patron Rupert Malinow, 50, "I was a little disconcerted about taking my daughter on the Black Hole, to be honest.  I knew that it looked safe, but then when I started thinking about it, I wasn't too sure.  It's one thing to say that you'll challenge a ride that might suck you across its event horizon and crush you into nothingness, or maybe even whip you into an evil parallel universe, but it's another thing entirely to actually do it.  Especially in a little two-person raft."

He added, "but now that Professor Hawking thinks we'll just be smashed into subatomic particles and then released in vastly altered form back into our own universe as the Black Hole decays over millennia, I think we feel pretty safe hopping on and taking a chance."

--JCK