Thursday, December 12, 2002

Six Flags New Orleans to be New Flagship of Chain, Reports Say

The near-bankrupt Jazzland, now to be dubbed "Six Flags New Orleans," never able to come close to even the modest attendance goals used to justify millions of public dollars in investment, will be Six Flags Theme Parks' next mega-park, according to Internet sources. This year's addition of two "previously-owned" coasters "is just the beginning," according to's webmaster. "Next year, it's an enormous GCI wooden coaster and a record-breaking coaster so big it's designed by both B&M and Intamin!"

"We're going to pretty much abandon Magic Mountain and Six Flags Great Adventure and focus on this park scenically located on a swamp," said chain head Gary Story, according to the same sources. "Sure, the main population centers in the region are hours away and are already well-served by other major parks, and sure, New Orleans has like a million people at most, and, yes, sure, most people go to New Orleans for the hookers and booze, but, um, er...why the hell are we doing this again?" queried Story.

Upon a reminder from the rest of his management team that nobody doesn't like a town with hookers and booze -- including those people in charge of theme park companies who are forced to travel to the parks all the time -- Story got back on track. "After a late night of debauchery on Bourbon Street, who wouldn't like a ride on an Arrow coaster too lame even for Fiesta Texas?" he concluded, referring to the former Joker's Revenge, on its way to the park. After an assistant leaned over and whispered to him, sources indicate that he added, "It's a Vekoma? Even better!"