Monday, June 16, 2003

Patriot Organization Targets Six Flags

The John Birch Society recently issued a warning to readers of its magazine, The New American, citing Six Flags Theme Parks as "suspiciously Communist."

The author, Chad T. Johnson, describes a typical day at a SF Theme Park: “After giving away the right to freely come and go by paying admission, patrons are subjected to constant queueing, much like in Communist Russia.” The article goes on to speculate that the theme parks are “Communist Training Centers” that are being used to dull true Americans' senses and fool them into believing that a great reward (i.e., a roller coaster ride) awaits them at the end of the line. Johnson also makes note of the student work-exchange program at Six Flags parks, which he claims are “dominated by young people from the Eastern Bloc, in an obvious attempt to confuse Americans into thinking that Communist values go hand in hand with Bugs Bunny and ‘Great America.’”

“Today, it’s funnel cakes – but tomorrow, these same people will be lining up for toilet paper!” said an anonymous member of the organization, known generally for its completely bat-sh*t insane members, interviewed at a local chapter near Appleton, Wisconsin. “Isn’t it disturbing that nearly 98% of US Citizens are within an eight hour drive from un-American activity such as this? Six Flags must be stopped!”

Gary Story, President and Chief Operating Officer for Six Flags, made this statement: “No Comment. Comrade.”

Coaster Tools Spotted At Indiana Beach

Sources tell ARN&R that high school coaster enthusiast and Supreme Judge of Coaster Toolitude Daria (“Cha-cha-cha”) Doorhouse spotted many a tool at Indiana Beach the Sunday following Stark Raven Mad.

“I was just going there to score some rides on Cornball and Lost Coaster, but I was so appalled by what I saw while in line that I almost had to leave,” she said, clutching her CoasterBuzz Barbie doll closely. “I’m not really sure what ride number it was, because my little metal clicker is only used to count rides on the Michigan’s Adventure Corkscrew, the bestest, way totally coolest ride on the planet…Oh My God did you hear how I hit 1000 last summer!!!! Soooo coooooooool!"

“In case you were wondering, I keep track of my daily laps on a tally counter, and then record them in an Excel document. Usually I totally include the date, who went with me, number of laps, total laps in the season, and total laps overall. Although, occasionally I do tell maintenance what to do,” she gloated, and then for apparently no reason added, “Like, Oh my GOD!!!”

Doorhouse went on to say, “I was like there at IB with a few of my friends [Author note: being a teenage enthusiast and also having a vagina immediately warrants you your very own posse] when, in a switchback in front of us, there were these four…TOOLS!"

“There they were, just standing there, having a conversation that didn’t really involve roller coasters at all, wearing these cargo shorts and normal, non-coaster shirts. At first I wasn’t sure, but I immediately realized what they were once one of them started making fun of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom.”

When reached for comment, one of the obvious tools said, “Wait, you mean this little girl called me a tool? Are we talking about the same girl with the clicker, and the CoasterBuzz Barbie doll that she was carrying on all the rides? Wasn’t she wearing a BEASTIE shirt that day?”