Saturday, May 10, 2003

Cedar Point Staves Off Urine Flood With Bathroom Passes

Facing what employees called an “a veritable Armageddon of free-flowing enthusiast urine,” Cedar Point has begun offering bathrooms passes to riders queued up for the four-to-six-hour wait for the new Top Thrill Dragster attraction. As expected, throngs of eager passengers have deluged the TTD station all day, and the three trains are unable to match the demand. “The first day, we witnessed thousands of Pepsi-engorged bladders swelling to the breaking point and finally unleashing their contents all over the walkways,” said CP spokesperson Robin Innes. “It appears that most enthusiasts can hold their water until about the third hour, then they just give up and start hosing the pavement down.”

Innes added that the amount of liquid produced was “strongly reminiscent of the great flood that Noah escaped. Except, of course, that was water instead of piss.”

Cedar Point did react to the situation in a novel fashion. After having all plant life within approximately 600 square yards of the TTD station house destroyed by the high-acid Mountain Dew-infused urine all day, the park decided the next day to begin handing out bathroom passes to those in line. Said Innes, "We knew it was going to be a long wait, so we tried to make our guests as comfortable as possible. We gave them passes to get back in line."

While the plan has proved successful, at least in the sense that enthusiasts are not soiling their tighty-whiteys, and the plants and benches around them, the actual operation of the bathroom-pass-giving has encountered some controversy.

“The bathroom pass is intended only as an emergency pass,” said Ms. Graverson, a stern middle-aged schoolmarm. “Only enthusiasts who feel they will throw up or are really in danger of making peepee or poopoo in their pants are supposed to be able to use the pass. It’s not supposed to be an excuse to miss class or roam the hallways unsupervised. Most people are perfectly capable of waiting until the bell rings.” Graverson then paused to primly rap her yardstick across the knuckles of an enthusiast who was picking his nose nearby.

“Just an hour ago, I caught three enthusiasts abusing their bathroom pass privileges by hanging out in a stall smoking,” said line monitor Helen Ratchett. “These passes were intended to help people feel more comfortable, not to be used as an excuse for lighting up, making out, or riding other coasters. Enthusiasts may take a pass, walk briskly to the nearest restroom, urinate, wash their hands, and walk briskly back to the line. Anyone caught doing anything else will be sent immediately to detention, which for our purposes is a full day strapped into the back seat of Mean Streak.”

“I don’t like the way they run these passes,” whined enthusiast Peter Wolf, 41. “Ms. Tammy’s class always gets to go bathroom when they want, but Ms. Whitehurst won’t let anyone out except between periods. It’s not fair.” Others were even less fortunate. Chris Grueninger, 29, was caught sneaking back into line without a bathroom pass after he claimed “he couldn’t hold it until it was his turn after recess” and was savagely paddled by the principal before being sent home with a note to his mommy. Coasterbuzz’s Xfan used his bathroom pass as an opportunity to masturbate three times while admiring the Snoopy and Linus mascots, and then take a monster dump, and he was suspended from Cedar Point for a week. “It’s simply not fair to others in line to keep the bathroom pass for three hour,” said Innes. “We like to teach sharing and/or caring at our institution.”

“As long as everyone patiently waits for their turn to make peepee and then go to the restroom only when they are given the bathroom pass, this program will work out just great,” said Innes. “Despite some difficulties with a few enthusiasts, most are already accepting the program wholeheartedly. And it’s sure helping us out…whereas yesterday I had to pontoon my way across the plaza to visit the ride ops at Top Thrill Dragster, today there are only a few scattered yellow puddles here and there to step over. We’re back on track, and ready to welcome trillions of customers again tomorrow!”


[Editor’s Note: Yes. Three articles in a row about TTD. You caught us. We suck. However, it does give us one more opportunity to mention that we have a t-shirt picturing a dude pissing on TTD itself, which is very similar to enthusiasts pissing on themselves in line. And if you were in line for TTD before they started giving out bathroom passes, you owe it to yourself and your urine-discolored boxers to keep that special moment alive with our amusing yet fairly tasteless apparel at Ye Olde Reliable Shoppe!]
Hoover Sues Cedar Fair Over Copyright/Patent Infringement

Hoover International, the makers of fine vacuum equipment for more than 75 years, has filed suit in a federal court claiming Cedar Fair has breached patent copyright laws with the design of their newest attraction: Top Thrill Dragster.

"We are not saying the ride 'sucks' like our vacuum products," claims Peter Puller, a representative for Hoover International. "However, after bringing my 11 year old daughter to Cedar Point for the opening of this 2003 season, I couldn't help but notice the flagrant disregard of copyright/patent civility with the design of their newest attraction, Top Thrill Dragster."

Shanequa Aqua Greensfielder, an attorney for Hoover International, registered exhibit "A" with the federal court today showing claims of Hoover's original advertising scheme of 0-120mph in under one second and a 42" hose tube. "This obviously was reflected in the design scheme of TTD with their 0-120mph speed and 420' high tower," continued Greensfielder. "[T]his infringement is malicious, atrocious, underhanded and downright sinful! We are not only going after Cedar Fair, we will also be attacking Cedar Point directly, as well as Intamin, the original designers, a random Dippin' Dots guy, and ‘Joe,’ the guy who pissed on the one shall escape our wrath!"

Hoover International also plans lawsuits around this great country of ours attacking such parks as Tennessee's Libertyland, Six Flags' Great Adventure, Paramount's Carowinds and Disney's California Adventure (to name quite a few), for containing rides that do 'suck.'


[Editor's Note: Yes, we know we posted two consectutive Top Thrill Dragster articles. After all, the opening of this 5-second ride is the single most important event in the history of mankind, and deserves to be feted and fawned over by every website on the planet for the rest of eternity. Or something. In any case, go buy that t-shirt of the guy pissing on the most important thing ever constructed by the hand of man. You know you want it.]