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Dollywood's Thunderhead Better Than Sex, Says Enthusiast Speaking Entirely Hypothetically

Dollywood's new GCI wooden coaster Thunderhead has been getting rave reviews. From declarations that it is the number one wooden coaster in the world to more specific comparisons to Raven and the like, enthusiast response has been strong, to say the least.

Joining in the chorus of praise is 29-year-old enthusiast Prescott Selby of Oregon. Selby, whose coaster count is over 300, traveled thousands of miles to attend Thunderhead's opening and declares it the greatest wooden coaster anywhere, stating that it is "better than sex, or at least better than I imagine sex might be had I ever participated in such activity, which I haven't."

"From the start of the lift hill through the airtime and laterals, Thunderhead delivers in every respect, much like I would suspect a lengthy evening of sweet lovemaking would deliver," said Selby, whose last female contact was an accidental brushing of his hand by the cashier at the Stop 'n' Go over four weeks ago. "My feelings of satisfaction were even greater than those described to me by those people I have spoken with whom have in fact had sex. My whooping and hollering upon returning to the station were remarkably like the sounds I have heard emanating from the apartment next to mine, where Joe and his series of girlfriends are having what I must assume is hot all-night action. Yep, Thunderhead is much better than entirely hypothetical sex!"

Selby concluded: "I sure am glad Thunderhead is here to provide me this satisfaction, so now I don't have to feel bad about not getting any."