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Universal's Plans For Coaster Criticized By Neighborhood; Enthusiasts Furious

Universal Studios announced last week plans for an enormous hyper coaster to run on each of its Islands of Adventure, breaking numerous world records as it goes, but there was just one quirk: the bottom of its initial 345-foot drop would run straight through a day care center for underprivileged orphans that sits just outside Universal's property, and the track would have no fencing around it at all, permitting the orphans to crawl over the track as they please while the coaster was operating. Universal also announced that it would use the day care center as the sorting facility for its massive garbage recycling program.

Orlando neighborhood activists were incensed and immediately vowed to block the coaster's construction, calling the company's actions "insensitive" and "appalling." Once word spread among enthusiasts, however, the activists were termed "snotty NIMBYers" (referring to "Not In My Backyard") "who should've known what to expect when they moved to Orlando, including incredibly dangerous amusement rides causing great bodily harm to toddler orphans."

"It's just like when Disney got screwed out of building a theme park near the colonial battlegrounds!" complained HistorySuxCoasterzRule, an active participant at CoasterBuzz. "It was going to be totally respectful of history -- heck, they were even going to have authentic colonial roasted turkey legs! But noooo, the so-called historians blocked that, and now the so-called 'orphans' are using their powerful lobbying force to block what would be terrific for Orlando."

Universal, at press time, was standing firm on its plans, and was in fact considering expanding them. "We've been thinking that the church next door that provides food to hundreds of homeless people daily would be a terrific place for a gift shop and maybe a climbing wall!" said spokesman Charles Anderson. "And maybe we'll add a Dippin' Dots booth in that day care center, too."