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Valleyfair Spokeswoman Claims Steel Venom “Blows”

In an era where parks are infamous for their hyperbole and, sometimes, outright lies about the thrill level and functionality of new coasters, it was refreshing to see brutal honesty being delivered by a major management figure for once. Yesterday, Valleyfair spokeswoman Amy Maikkula disparaged the park’s splashy, but broken, new Steel Venom, an Intamin Impulse Coaster.

“Something blew,” Maikkula told reporters without a shred of hesitation, after calling a press conference to announce that the Steel Venom would not be opening as anticipated due to major technical problems. “I’m not sure what it was that blew, but I’m pretty sure the maintenance crew must blow pretty bad, at least. After all, they screwed up and something broke. Also, Cedar Fair blew for buying us this dumb thing that just goes back and forth a bunch of times, when other Cedar Fair parks have gotten stuff like Millennium Force, Ghostrider, and Talon in recent years. And you reporters blow big time for discussing this in the papers and on TV, so we’ll probably lose business from the throngs of patrons that would have come to ride this coaster. Actually, they blow, too. Most of them don’t bathe enough, and they ask really stupid questions.”

Maikkula went on to say that "it's frustrating. It's been tested extensively. I've ridden it myself about 20 times. Of course, as I keep telling everyone, it pretty much blew. It blew something fierce, to be honest."

Signs telling patrons that the coaster was closed were posted at the park's entrance, and "everybody's been really nice about it." Maikkula said. “For instance, one guy told me to ‘shove Steel Venom where the sun don’t shine.’ That’s a nice thought, to worry about the paint fading because the ride’s right out in the hot sun, although it’s really a bit impractical since we can’t move it. And lots of people said this park is ‘really, really bad.’ We all know that ‘bad’ actually means ‘good’ to these hip youngsters, so we can tell they like our other rides quite a bit. And there was the nice young lady who told me ‘up yours;’ certainly we’re glad she’ll be so excited to zoom ‘up ours’ when it finally opens and she gets to come and hand over her full admission a second time!”

--JCK