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ACE Group Mistaken for Scare Actors

A bizarre problem happened last weekend at Lake Compounce, when a group of American Coaster Enthusiasts descended upon the park for a fall event. Although afternoon ERT was carried off with minimal problems, and the waning daylight hours of standard park operation went off without a hitch, difficulties occurred after nightfall.

“We made a tactical error in allowing the ACE members to stick around after ERT,” said park rep Vikki Ulffers. “It didn’t really occur to us just how terrifying the sight of dozens of those people walking through the park would really be. We do employ some scare actors here to help the haunted mood along, but they don’t really mess with small children, and they won’t keep trying to jump at people who have clearly gotten upset. But these coaster enthusiasts just follow random people right into the bathroom, gabbing about airtime and bents and footers…it’s quite terrifying, and they won’t stop.”

Ulffers then began sobbing. “They just…won’t….stop!” she blubbered out, eventually.

Several customers reported problems, as well. “We went into the Haunted Graveyard,” said Mike Carson, 17. “We thought we’d have fun and get scared, and maybe some girls would get freaked out and need ‘the Mikester’ to take their mind off their problems, if you know what I mean.”

Carson continued, “but right in front of us in line were these six coaster people. They were telling people all about their favorite types of bumper cars and buffet items, and then they were demonstrating their Dance Dance Revolution moves for each other. It was horrible. How could Compounce expect to scare anyone with that stupid Graveyard after we already got that horror show for free? Waste of money.”

Even the real scare actors were upset. “Three of us saw these cute chicks who looked sure to be screamers, so we slipped behind them, ready to leap out,” said Daniel Logan, 18. “But then Davie saw these giant red demon monster-beasts oozing toward us. We screamed like little baby girls and ran away, knocking pieces of scenery over and totally ruining that entire section of the haunt. It turned out just to be ACE members in their polyester jackets, but how were we supposed to know a hideous Hell-beast wasn’t coming to crack us in half and suck out our organs?”

Logan noted that, “it was pretty much impossible to have any credibility as a scare actor after running away squealing pathetically in my own haunted house, so I had to retire and look for a new job.”

Said Jeb Seeberg, American Coaster Enthusiasts Assistant Bursar and Extra-Special Undersecretary in Charge of Berating Forum Participants Who Have Different Opinions From Him, Claiming Websites are Inaccurate Without Backing Up Said Statements at All, and Foaming Rabidly at the Mouth, “I demand the immediate execution of anyone who thinks ACE members are scary!”

--JCK