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Old Town Opens Shakira

To battle the new Busch Gardens Tampa investment SheiKra, Old Town in Kissimmee, Florida has promised Shakira for the 2005 season. PR Director Steve Stern said, “Sure that park has a multi-million dollar investment, but we have Shakira.”

For hours worthless enthusiast boards buzzed about what the new attraction could be. Was it a hyper coaster? Was it a gigantic flume? Was it a Vegas-style revue featuring the ass-shaking singer herself?

“We looked at every exciting ride on the market today and bought a Vekoma SLC,” said Stern. “It will be there ‘Whenever, Wherever,’ get it, just like her song. Jesus, I'm clever.”

Walking with Stern we saw where Old Town plans to put the new ride. We also asked some locals about their thoughts on naming a ride after the two-hit wonder. Most had never heard of the singer, but one enthusiastic man in a Florida Coaster Club t-shirt lit up when her name was mentioned.

“Yeah, I LOVE Shakira,” said 28 year-old Timothy Stubbins of Tampa. “I pleasured myself to that song of hers during Robb Alvey’s coaster video,” the disturbing man continued.

This reporter encourages all IAAPA attendees to get down to Old Town ASAP so they can get “underneath the restraints” of the new coaster.

Shakira could not be reached for comment.

--FMB