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Runnin' With the Sandor

"KingdaKa. Kingda kaHA!" screams a young Karaoke front man at Bobrummels, the hang out spot in Shamokin, Pennsylvania. Locals have been puzzled by his weird interpretation of a Van Halen classic while friends of singer Josh Agner, 23, just find it annoying. "That stupid douche can't ride his roller coaster, so he re-wrote an entire song until it re-opens," moaned friend Tim Rogers.

"Panama," the Van Halen classic off of their 1984 album, was Agner's song template. As ARN&R's staff walked around the bar we heard him sing the first chorus:

"Don't you know its gonna open soon?!
It will never loose the speed.
I'll get a ride!

Kingda Ka, Kingda kaHA!
Kingda Ka, Kingda kaHA!"

Many of the regular truckers and lot lizards that frequent Bobrummels weren't impressed with Agner's rendition. 42 year-old skank Tina Jonstone said his version "sucked." She lamented, "Them boys in Van Halen got rid of David Lee Roth first and now I have to listen to this. What the hell is going on?"

After turning down Jonstone's offer of a five dollar Dutch Oven we grabbed another Old Milwaukee and talked to Agner's friends. They said that while he enjoyed Hydra at Dorney Park, his real love was the non-working, penis-shaped Intamin tower in Jackson, New Jersey. There was just something about the launch that made him hard, and made him write variations of Van Halen songs. At press time, he was reportedly writing a version of "Jump" based on a non-functioning S&S launch tower in an unnamed park.

As we walked out of the bar listening to that catchy tune we couldn't help but plug in our air guitars, strum a chord and pretend to beat that stupid enthusiast tool senseless with our imaginary Fender Strat.

--FMB

Author's Note: Shortly after this story was written Kingda Ka opened. Howewver, Josh Agner cannot afford to visit Six Flags Great Adventure because he spent so much money on Yuengling and Marlboro Reds during its closure.