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Ed Alonzo Receives Slew of Awards

Ed Alonzo, the wacky, zany, and hysterically funny "Misfit of Magic" who spends his summers entertaining the masses with his live show at Valleyfair!, has recently brought acclaim to the amusement park by receiving a large number of coveted awards within a short span of time.

Last Friday, it was announced that Alonzo would be given a special Lifetime Achievement Award by the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences at the 57th annual Emmy Awards this September. In a formal statement, the Academy noted that Alonzo's "decades of exceptional entertainment" led to his consideration for the award, but that his friendship with Screech, his compassion in being willing to be seen in public with the stupefyingly unfunny Gallagher, and his vaguely erotic "giving of tips" to David Copperfield were the three main factors that assured him of winning.

"Although it is unusual to announce such a prestigious honor this far before the actual ceremony," said an Academy spokeswoman, "we felt that this was a rare opportunity to have a performer showcase his brilliance at the actual ceremony. We therefore informed Mr. Alonzo of the award ahead of time so that he will have time to prepare a fantastic display of his magic and humor skills before billions of viewers on CBS."

The accolades continued to pour in on Wednesday, as the American Family Association named Alonzo as its Family-Friendly Entertainer of the Year. "Ed Alonzo is a true champion of family values," said a spokesman for the AFA. "While most amusement park shows are tawdry explorations of gayness, the degrading of conservative Caucasians, and preaching of non-Christian values, this particular show is perfectly appropriate for the whole family."

"We especially approved of the way the show handled women," he added. "For instance, in a show targeted directly to children, Mr. Alonzo referred to the hot babes who served as his assistants as 'holes' and 'pieces' at various times during his show, and had them clothed in tight Hooters shirts as the punchline to a joke. Demeaning women is very child-friendly and appropriate, as girls should learn their place at a young age instead of becoming uppity bitches who think they should be allowed to vote, or get a job at our offices without sucking my wang under the desk."

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, a third major award for Alonzo was announced earlier today: the ARN&R Site O' the Weak for the Ed Alonzo Scrapbook.

--JCK