Friday, February 28, 2003

Edward Markey Committed To Lunatic Asylum

Representative Edward Markey (D-MA) was committed to a maximum-security mental health facility today after he ignored advice from his own panel to stop pushing for federal regulation of amusement parks in the United States.

The Brain Injury Association, a leading group of medical experts brought together by Markey to assess the alleged dangers of riding roller coasters, issued a major report that reaffirmed previous independent studies that claimed that the rides are actually totally safe and present no public health risk.

Said IAAPA (International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions) President Clark Robinson, “all available science proves that parks and rides are safe. The American Association of Neurological Surgeons concluded that rides present no public health risk. The engineers of Exponent Failure Analysis demonstrated that g-forces of roller coasters are no greater than that of a sneeze or skipping rope. Former NASA astronauts have described comparisons of roller coasters to the space shuttle as ‘hogwash.’ The University of Pennsylvania found no health risk associated with the g-forces of roller coasters. And now the Brain Injury Association calls it ‘unlikely’ that a federal agency could match our impressive safety record. Politicians who claim otherwise fly in the face of hard science and common sense.”

Following Robinson’s statement, Markey immediately began sprinting naked through the streets of Washington, D.C., screaming, “I don’t care about those reports! Even if they are by experts and make complete sense! I will destroy all that is fun and safe in America! I’m insane, I’m insane, whoohoo I’m insane!” Markey continued his bizarre display by running frantically in circles, screaming obscenities in Sanskrit, and vigorously licking his own crotch. Markey was eventually dragged off by trained personnel from Our Lady of the Evening Special Home for the Really Confused. “It took seven of us armed with billy clubs and a Taser to get that lunatic in a straitjacket and in the van,” said a breathless and exhausted Conrad Hufflepuff.

Councilors representing the congressman inform ARN&R that Markey maintains that Ed Harris, a little girl, and several coaster designers continue to torment him several times per day in his rubber-lined quarters. ARN&R is unable to confirm whether Markey’s budding campaign to regulate the shuffleboarding industry will be derailed by his latest difficulties.