Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Great Escape Actually Admits New Coaster is Used

In a thoroughly stunning turn of events, a theme park has actually willingly admitted that its new attraction is a used roller coaster. Amusement industry experts were startled this month by news that Great Escape would not only acknowledge that their new Canyon Blaster mine train attraction was previously operated for fifteen years as the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at the now-defunct Opryland, but would actively promote the ride as such.

“It’s quite simple, really,” said park supervisor Mark Stevens. “There was really no need to cover this up. So many parks seem to feel this need to build a new coaster, or just as likely, erect an old one and claim it’s new. Why not be proud that we’ve saved an older ride? We already have a good reputation for bringing the Comet here from Crystal Beach. We sure didn’t need to be ashamed of that new ride, did we?

Stevens went on to say: “And, while this new attraction is an old Arrow mine train, hardly on the same level of importance as a Schmeck woodie, it’s important to preserve as many unique attractions as possible. We’re just doing what we can, and I think lots of families will be pleased to see this coaster operating again as Canyon Blaster.”

Other parks were quick to respond. Representatives of Six Flags New Orleans, who have installed a used B&M Batman clone that operated for years at Gotemba Park in Japan, announced in a news release that “Great Escape totally sucks compared to us because we are building a brand-new, completely and totally unique inverted ski-lift style attraction from scratch, one that no American human has ever before experienced, whereas they are just putting in some ancient thing from some other park. Boy, do they lick.”

Comments also arrived from Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. As reported first on ARN&R, that park’s representatives barely refrained from audible laughter while introducing their “new” coaster, a derelict shuttle loop previously run for decades at two other parks. “We’re still proud of our innovative catapult mechanism and our thrilling, showroom-new, never-before-seen-anywhere style of coaster,” stated SFKK vice-president and general manager Lee Graham. “Great Escape should be ashamed for buying some tacky used thing, unlike major Six Flags parks such as ourselves, who only present the finest spankin’ new equipment for our guests.”