Sunday, April 20, 2003

ACE Solves Lateness of Magazines by Removing Dates From Issues

Long suffering from online, mailed, and phoned complaints from members irate over paying gobs of money in membership fees, and then not receiving their Roller Coaster Magazine issues, the American Coaster Enthusiasts decided this week to enact a novel solution to the problem. Beginning with the next issue, Roller Coaster Magazine will not have any actual date listed on the cover. ARN&R is pleased to break the news that this ACE policy is already being tested on the organization's website, where the currently mailed issue is cryptically referred to as "Issue 83," as opposed to being referred to by its date (Fall 2002), which was the website's procedure for the past several years, or as "the latest really f&$%ing late issue of RC," which would be the most technically correct way of presenting the information.

"All the hate mail is really starting to piss us off," said editor Tom Rhodes. "ACE does its best with its totally volunteer staff to get our high-quality magazine on the stands and in mailboxes very close to the actual dates printed on the cover. Despite horrible problems beyond our control, such as the entire original run of the Fall magazine being eaten by my cat, we maintain a very, very high standard. For instance, our Fall 2002 issue reached most ACE members within the past couple weeks. The Winter and Spring issues would certainly have been no more than five or six months late, either, but some ACE members are just whiny, greedy, p&#%ies who can't sit on their fat little hands and be patient."

"The ACE Executive Committee finally arrived at the perfect solution to all problems for its members and the staff of our magazine," Rhodes added. "While we have always labeled each of the four yearly issues as Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter, leading to lots of insults when, say, the Spring issue arrives in, say, the next December, we recently had the brainstorm that we could send out each issue without any date at all. That way, most ACE members won't be able to keep track of how many magazines they've received, and we won't get all this hate mail. Actually, we could probably keep charging the same membership fee and just send fewer issues. Then if anyone complains, we'll just say they're ungrateful pricks who have misunderstood what being in ACE is all about. It's not like we're Inside Track, after all."

Some fans are upset about this news. Said Daunte Rivas, 20, "I don't understand any of this. Eliminating the date doesn't magically make it come on time. That sure helps the RC staff jerk us around, but how precisely does that help enthusiasts who paid membership money that, in part, is alleged to include four regularly mailed glossy mags? And what the f&%$ is he talking about with this sad-sack all-volunteer crap? ACE editors are paid, now, aren't they? Give me my &%$#ing magazines!"

"The editorial staff and Executive Committee are very pleased by our quick measures to solve this longstanding problem," stated ACE President Carole Sanderson. "We know all ACE members will enjoy this new policy, and we ask them to see its trial run on our website right now while they wait for the Winter issue to appear in the general vicinity of the next millennium. Also, please remember that disparaging ACE in any conceivable way is a violation of the ACE Code of Conduct, so anyone overheard bitching about how late our magazines are will be killed and then tortured, while anyone writing about such, especially those creeps at ARN&R, will be taken to....Detroit!"