Friday, April 25, 2003

Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Hastily Rethemed

Breaking News

At a hastily assembled media gathering this morning, DisneyWorld announced that it was severing its ties to the rock band Aerosmith, specifically removing any reference to the group from the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster at Disney Studios. Apparently, the incident stems from a Disney executive party last night, where high-echelon Disney leaders first viewed a number of Aerosmith videos.

“Whoa, those are really something,” said Daniel McRaney. “We’d always assumed that no rock group other than Aerosmith could possibly uphold our good family values and protect our children better than Aerosmith. I had thought they sang kid’s songs or something. But then I just got a load of these videos. The lead singer is in drag in one of them! And then there’s this one where Alicia Silverstone gives “the finger.” And then there’s that one where Liv Tyler and Silverstone are wearing Catholic schoolgirl outfits, and then they do “something” in a photo booth, and they go skinny dipping with a sexy young lad, and also Tyler does a strip tease….oh, man, that was totally awesome! Er, I mean, we are appalled at such affronts to morality.”

Disney was reportedly already searching for a replacement band with the proper wholesome image and kick-ass rock abilities. None have been named yet, but McRaney pointedly insisted that Ratt was not among the contenders, despite their pathetic, whiny, begging letters to the Disney corporation.

Disney has announced that, as a stopgap measure, the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster will now use an exciting onboard soundtrack featuring the music of obscure and thoroughly unloved mid-twentieth-century classical composers.

“I think everyone will be very excited to blast off into the darkness and through several loops to great music like Paul Creston’s Fourth Symphony, Milton Babbitt’s Composition for Viola and Piano, the Berio Sequenza for Solo Oboe, and even the thrilling Elliot Carter Triple Duo,” said McRaney.

Take Your Daughter to Work Day Celebrated by ACE Members

On Thursday, April 24th, the country celebrated the annual tradition of Take Your Daughter to Work Day. The representatives of the Take Your Daughter to Work Organization were pleased at the success of the program throughout the nation, but expressed disapproval at the continued lackluster support for the event shown by the American Coaster Enthusiasts.

"We really thought the ACE members could get in gear this year and throw some support to this valuable program," said TYDTWO representative Bertha Blacher. "Unfortunately, just as in every other year, the response verged on the nonexistent. Please, members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, don't let your daughters feel as if they are not worthy of seeing your workplace and experiencing job skills in action! I'll bet each and every one of these people knows when Wookie Life Day is, but they don't have a clue what day it is that their young female offspring open their eyes to the crushing boredom of various jobs their parents will attempt to force them into."

Rebuttal to Blacher's remarks was swift. "I don't know why on Earth these people are picking on us," said ACE President Carole Sanderson. "There are logical reasons why Take Your Daughter to Work Day doesn't function among the ACE populace. First of all, 70% of the organization is gay. Okay, so there are some of these folks who have kids, but, let's face the reality of the situation --- not exactly a ton of daughters available there."

Sanderson continued by saying, "Even among the 30% straight members, we've got some issues. A full 25% of them have never once engaged in actual sexual intercourse with another sentient life form due to their living in mom's basement past the age of forty, failing to bathe or use deodorant for several straight days, or being unable to communicate about anything besides steel track gauges and chain dogs. So that leaves us 5% of the entire ACE population who have engaged in sexual relations that potentially could lead to the formation of children. Sadly, most of these people, even should they have a daughter, don't actually have any job to take that daughter to. So we don't expect more than 5 or 10 ACE members being able to celebrate this day under optimum conditions."

ARN&R journalists made a sweeping search of the nation, and we are pleased to report that several ACE members did indeed take their daughters to work yesterday. Coincidentally (though not ironically, we can assure you), each of them has already been profiled in a previous ARN&R article.

1) Herb Wolardowsky, noted for chastising his daughter Emily for attempting to count a Zamperla Dragon as a coaster, made up for his indiscretion by bringing Emily to his workplace. "Emily really needed to see how I make my wage," said Wolardowsky. "And the best way for her to see what I do is to do it herself." He then returned to lecturing his six-year-old daughter on the proper technique for bleaching urine stains out of the men's room sinks at the local arena.

2) Joe Lekowski, who recently adopted a small Nigerian boy in order to add kiddie coasters to his credit list, took his new son "Stan" to "work" yesterday after he dressed him in a skirt and blouse and plopped a wig with blond pigtails on Stan's head. "Too bad I adopted a guy and not a girl," he said. "But this disguise should be all I need to celebrate the day right. I brought Stan to the Coaster Condo, which is the back half of my double-wide. He's never been allowed there, but today I showed him how Daddy puts bread on the table by selling fine color photos stolen from other people's websites."

3) Pete Brody is known to longtime ARN&R readers as the guy who shamed himself by bringing up coasters incessantly during his family's last get-together. Now 29, he just started his very first job last week at the Appalachee Parkway Taco Bell in Tallahassee, Florida. Standing under an informative sign by the employee sink that read, "All Employes Must Wash Hands Frecuently (Often)," Brody proudly told ARN&R that "I'm already second assistant squirt cheese enabler after just one week. Another month and I should be first assistant squirt cheese enabler. And once you perfect the squirt cheese technique, the lucky guys can move on to the really good jobs, like hosing down the burritos with that cool guacamole caulking gun." When pressed for information about the alleged daughter he had brought to work that day, a befuddled Brody confessed that he thought someone had said it was "Bring Your Dog Turd to Work Day." Upon learning this unfortunate news, ARN&R declined Brody's repeated requests to show off "his Precious."

This reporter wishes to point out that he brought Jessica Alba to work, as is usual; she is someone's daughter, after all.