Thursday, May 01, 2003

Six Flags Trying to Come Up with Something Else to Blame for Unbelievably Huge Continuing Losses

With the Iraq hostilities fading to nothing and the impact of 9/11 ever further in the past, Six Flags executives are faced with a tough problem: What to blame for their inevitably huge losses?

ARN&R has learned, though intrepid investigative reporting, that Six Flags are continuing a two-day meeting today in a previously undisclosed location – a double-wide next to corporate headquarters in Oklahoma City – to consider the possibilities. And ARN&R was there, hidden in a small closet with the water heater, listening.

"Hey, we could blame the Dixie Chicks!" suggested Gary Story, president and Chief Operating Officer of the company. “People are angry at them, and Dixie sorta rhymes with Six, and…” His voice trailed off.

Del Holland, in from his position running Six Flags Magic Mountain, had a different idea. “How about we blame reality television? Everyone really likes that show where the dudes are all in masks.” When it was pointed out that Paramount had previously blamed low results on a really good run of Rockford Files episodes, Holland agreed that Six Flags likely should not use a similar reason.

The meeting yesterday ended with executives despondent, but determined to work further today to find more options. Suggestions to be considered today include blaming bad photocopiers, an increase in broadband access for enthusiasts resulting in increased masturbation time, and Martha Stewart.