Thursday, July 24, 2003

First Annual AbsolutelyReliable Excellence in Narcissism Award Presented Today

As many as two people came to the AbsolutelyReliable Rose Garden and Sculpture Walkway in Washington, DC today, in order to view the hated-by-dozens website's First Annual Excellence in Narcissim Award presentation. The recipient was a Mr. Gordon Beeferman.

"Mr. Beeferman was the logical choice for this exceptional award," said the Editor-in-Chief. "One of our writers made up this wacky story about a petting zoo goat running amok at Wild Adventures park, and one of the names appearing for a completely made-up and utterly nonsensical character was 'Gordon Beeferman.' We never would have thought about it again, except this real guy named 'Gordon Beeferman' actually assumed we were talking about him. Sheesh, what an ego!"

ARN&R has obtained an exclusive copy of the email from this Mr. Beeferman, who perhaps was unconcerned with our disclaimer on the webpage that states we can use anything people send to us in any fashion we want:

Subject: where

> did you get my name and why are you using it in your website

"Initially, ARN&R was concerned that there was, somehow, by some astounding coincidence, an actual 'Gordon Beeferman' who worked for PETA, and we'd be forced to change the story," said the writer JCK. "So we called up PETA to check and see about whether he worked there, and they laughed at us and said, 'Beeferman? But I hardly even know 'er, man!' It turns out the guy who wrote to us is a classical composer with a website, and is obviously not the guy we're talking about. That takes some cojones to assume that you are the only person in the history of the planet Earth to ever have the name Gordon Beeferman and write in to us, so we had to create this award for the boy."

Sources tell ARN&R that every other real person who has a name correlate by accident with any name ever used within the website-- particularly Jack Meoff, Buster Hyman, and Mike Hunt-- is also quite upset with ARN&R and will be joining forces with Beeferman to frighten ARN&R staff members with recordings of Sonata Bombastica and Now No One Will Listen to Songs in an effort to force our writers to use only names that could not conceivably also belong coincidentally to any other human born since records have been kept.

"My next story will feature a character named Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III," said ARN&R writer MMS. "My extensive research tells me that we are less likely to get irritated emails by using names like this instead of, say, 'John Smith,' or perhaps 'George W. Bush.'"

The Editor-in-Chief noted that "the review about how the 'program appears to be a spontaneous creation by the artists who probe into unlit corners and explore an underworld of sound filled with foreboding warnings of doom' has me pretty creeped out. I will demand that our writers use the name 'Gordo Porkerman' instead of 'Gordon Beeferman' in all further posts, so that we don't have to experience any of this 'probing into unlit corners' ourselves."


[Author's Note: We are assuming Mr. Beeferman should be thankful that this article has appeared, as it is sure to increase hits to his website by at least 2 or 3 curious people who linked over from ARN&R.]