Sunday, February 29, 2004

Oscar Redux

We're quite positive that tonight's Oscar ceremony will be filled with horrid things we can make fun of later tonight or tommorrow. However, just to whet your appetite until that point, we present a classic Oscar-themed ARN&R mockfest from last season:

Parks and Enthusiasts Dissed By Academy

Excitement reigned in Hollywood today as nominations for the 75th Oscars were announced. The picks by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences created their usual share of controversy, however. Reginald B. Eubanks III, for one, was appalled by the Academy’s decisions. "It was, like, I was personally dissed. Those [arts and science] people don't know anything about good entertainment when they see it. I can't believe they didn’t nominate one theme park or theme park attraction!"

Enthusiasts worldwide seemed misled in their beliefs that somehow this year's 75th annual Academy picks would include theme parks and theme park rides and attractions. "I can't believe Cedar Point was not at the top of their list!" bellowed Thomas Hogwell of Grand Forks, Michigan. "Millennium Force should've been a shoe-in for Best Dramatic Leading Performer."

“Some of these picks are indeed a surprise,” stated E! News’s Jules Asner. Chicago was expected to gather many nods, but who would have thought The Adventures of Pluto Nash, Swept Away, and Eight Crazy Nights wouldn’t have gotten Best Picture consideration? Natalie Portman and Hayden Christenson not getting Best Supporting nominations for their superb rendering of dialogue in Attack of the Clones is deeply puzzling. And how could The Raven be overlooked for Best Coaster, Wood? Catherine Zeta-Jones and Queen Latifah were both excellent, but Julianne Moore frankly doesn’t deliver the speed, airtime, and out of control thrill that the Raven does.”

Other amusement park lovers confessed shock and outrage. Said Dan Gordo, “I can’t believe Islands of Adventure was almost totally shut out of the nominations. Road to Perdition had a great score, but everything else nominated in that category was vastly inferior to the IOA soundtrack, particularly the part you hear in the Lost Continent area. And Cat in the Hat has Best Live Action Short written all over it. Well, at least Spiderman got the one nom for Visual Effects.” Upon learning that the Best Visual Effects nomination had gone to the movie of Spiderman rather than the ride, Gordo reportedly screamed and bashed his head through a wall.

"Jeepers," exclaimed 14-year-old Porter Everton, "this is the first year ever I will be allowed to stay up that late even to watch the event, but now I don't care. Those [Academy] people suck." Paramount parkgoer Jeremy Mac noted, "XLC could've at least gotten the shoe-in with Best Supporting Buttress." [Editor’s note: It is interesting that Mr. Everton would phrase his dismay in such fashion, as Jeepers Parks failed to receive any nominations, either, most surprising considering the fact that they built a Faces of Death-themed kiddie coaster this season.]

Sources close to ARN&R report that many amusement industry bigwigs have concluded the Academy of Arts and Sciences has no idea what it is doing. Walter Bolliger is alleged to have said, "Anyone who has ever ridden Alpengeist knows what Best Design is all about. Those [Academy] people know nothing."

Corporate reaction to the news was mixed. Six Flags President and CEO Roger Finterspoon furiously attacked the Academy in verbal repartee, "Damn you [Academy] guys! Damn you all to heck! I've got thirty-five parks worldwide and not one of them was nominated for a single thing! Not even a nod for Best Foreign Theme Park!" However, Disney, which has won numerous Academy Awards in the past, had no comment, except to express disappointment that Christopher Walken’s nomination was for Catch Me If You Can rather than The Country Bears.”