Friday, April 02, 2004

ACE Changing Direction

The Executive Committee for the American Coaster Enthusiasts today officially announced a new motto for the club: "Coasters are more fun when parts of them are in museums."

ACE President and Former Sandinista General Carole Sanderson elaborated: "For the past several years the ACE Executive Committee has fought long and hard to change the core direction of ACE. We feel that our members, who seem to be timid sheep, are ready for a change of direction for ACE."

Sanderson continued: "The entire executive committee has squealed with delight over the successful loss of many roller coasters over the past few years. The rides we are most pleased with losing forever are the Coney Thunderbolt, Clementon's Jack Rabbit, Wizard's Cavern in Seaside Heights, and the even Hercules at Dorney Park in Allentown. In fact, we proudly displayed the 2003 destruction of three of these rides on our latest cover of ACE News while barely even pretending to think it's a bad thing. We are giddy over the rapid speed of these losses."

"ACE is moving into the 21st century today. As many of you are aware, we are rapidly making progress for our National Roller Coaster Museum plans. This museum will be a wonderful experience for all to see small and generally unidentifiable parts of rides that the world has lost forever. We want to continue to further furnish our museum with star pieces and are advocating the continued and accelerated destruction of rollercoasters so that we will inherit a train, a piece of wood, an operator's control panel, a rusty bolt, etc., for placement in our museum. What better way to forever preserve rides for future generations than to place them in a museum dedicated to that endeavor? A true palace for the politics and new direction of ACE."

Sanderson concluded: "Leading us on this journey is former ACE President and Supreme Being Jan Kiser. We applaud her in spearheading our efforts to accelerate demolition of rides for our museum. Jan has already inspired us to make the Preservation Director a non-position and is taking on a new role of Museum Curator."

Pausing to briefly consider and immediately refuse to coordinate volunteers to paint Lakeside's classic Cyclone coaster, Sanderson continued: "Jan is aggressively working on several projects. The first is to place the final nail in the coffin of Whalom Park so we can put the lead car of Comet Flyer in our museum. After all, who would want to visit this little crap-hole park that was only open during warm months? With a part of it in our museum, visitors can enjoy seeing it year-round! Jan's most delightful love of the museum is further evident at ACE's aggressive campaign to finally get Conneaut Lake Park to die once and for all. ACE desperately wants not only the NAD train, but the mural of train status that adorns the station. We cannot help but to encourage the complete demolition of Conneaut Lake Park as last time I was there I thought the place sucked ass and they didn't let me in for free even when I told them who I was. Future plans also include a coveted piece of the Coney Island Cyclone, which we have begun a campaign to have destroyed in 2006, and the cupola from Knoebel's Phoenix, which we hope to have destroyed in early 2005."

In an addendum to her statement, sent to press outlets later, Sanderson added: "Also included in our Frank Gehry-designed National Rollercoaster Museum will be the world's largest all-you-can-eat pork and gravy buffet. Our hope is to theme this area with artifacts from Rye Playland and Santa Cruz, which we have targeted both for destruction for June, 2004."