Sunday, April 04, 2004

The Geauga Lake Re-Interview Revealed

When it was recently announced that employees of the former Six Flags Worlds of Spectacular Adventure and Wacky Hijinks, Shenanigans, and Merry Galivanting About Town (SFWOAAWHSAMGAT) would all have to undergo a "re-interview" to keep their jobs after the takeover of the park by rival chain Cedar Fair, we at ARN&R felt mixed emotions. After all, it is most unfortunate in today's world that there are so many giant corporate mergers, so many people laid off in the name of a handful of execs getting richer. But, then again, lots of the people working at SFWOAAWHSAMGT seemed to be lazy pricks who actively hated every guest in their park, and it's sort of neat to think of some of them getting fired.

In any case, we have managed to procure an exclusive copy of the re-interview from a spy inside Geauga Lake, and reprint it here for your edification:

Please Answer All Questions to the Best of Your Ability. If You Do Well You Don't Get Fired! Don't Choke!

1) How many Lemon Chill Guys does it take to start an internet rumor?

2) Which ride do you wish to be operating five years from now?

3) What is your most recent level of education not completed?

4) If you were a ride op for Villain, and the queue area developed a line of over four hours, would you add another f**king train, continue with the one-train operation, or hoot and yell sexually explicit things to underage girls in line?

5) Would you prefer to have Snoopy hump your leg or a Loony Tunes mascot jam his hands down your pants?

6) Honestly, now - have you ever peed in a waterpark's wave pool?

7) On an average work day as a ride operator, are you asleep at your station 100% of the time, or more?

8) Did it really take you fifteen minutes to load one damn X-Flight train?

9) How many hectares of raw human sewage would you allow to back up out of the restrooms onto park paths before you asked someone where the Swiffers were?

10) Please tell your test proctor that the Mind Eraser and Serial Thriller, or whatever the hell they're going to be called, are exciting, original, and unique coasters that don't suck and don't remotely resemble 5000 other crummy cloned Vekoma coasters all over the world. Your score on this quesiton will be based on how much of this you are able to say while maintaining a straight face.

11) How much Thunderbird did you drink during your last work shift?

12) Please describe, in five-paragraph essay form, just how much you would enjoy wearing your new Camp Snoopy outfit to work every day. Extra credit: Would you be able to tolerate never ever getting laid ever again after women see you in your new Camp Snoopy uniform?

13) If a customer approached you at the Guest Services counter, would you politely help them with their complaint, spit in their faces, have security rough them up, or instruct an orangutan "borrowed" from the Wild Life section to hurl handfuls of its own feces at them?

14) How little would you be willing to earn this season at Geauga Lake?

15) What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?