Monday, June 21, 2004

Every Month is National Masturbation Month, Says Coaster Zombie

For the past nine years, the Good Vibrations group has began celebrating May as National Masturbation Month. Upon discovering this fact, however, one member of the Coaster Zombies stands defiant against any one month being singled out to glorify the joys of self-pleasure.

"I protest this decision by anyone to celebrate the art of bologna bopping for only one twelfth of the entire year!" said Zombie Jack Meoff, 41. "Any self-respecting coaster enthusiast would tell you that he likes to jack it at least five or six times a day, maybe even more if their mom is out shopping while VH1's 100 Hottest Hotties is on. These Good Vibrations jerk-offs can claim May is when we're supposed to be Jocelyn Eldering ourselves, but they can't stop me from buttering my corn whenever I feel like it, whether it's June, July, or even February!"

"For a coaster enthusiast, every month is National Masturbation Month," he added, slipping his belt off.