Sunday, August 01, 2004

"Letters to Rollercoaster!" Returns

Although Rollercoaster! Magazine reportedly received substantial popular and critical acclaim with its titillating "Letters to Rollercoaster!" feature, the column, where enthusiasts discuss true-life sexy and outrageous coaster experiences, has not made a return appearance since its first two editions. Bored housewives and stay-at-home enthusiasts starving for excitement need pine no longer, however, for the next issue of RC is set to feature the third installment of the column. As usual, our spies at the magazine have provided us with an advance copy of the letter:

Dear RC:

With great interest it was that I read a recent article on Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors about a prominent ACE member showing his pasty, pimply butt cheeks while riding an Alabama roller coaster. I, too, have experienced the same awesomely sexy display of manflesh in my time. In fact, the incident involved the very same prominent ACE member, and though I was not privy to the incident described at ARN&R, the happenings I witnessed still fill me with arousal and ardor, the likes of which overtake me only when I read books with Fabio on the cover. Or when I see ACE convention group photos.

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was the Preservation Con a couple years ago. You know, the one at Canobie Lake. I'm not going to bother looking up the date; that's your job! Anyway, it was morning ERT. The Cannonball was DDM for much of the morning, but the crew worked hard to get it going for a few rides, at least. Some of us were happy they got it going at all, and since we'd had plenty of rides already the night before and since the park was so cool, we weren't worried about how many rides we got. Then again, some tools were sprinting around at full speed to squeeze in as many rides as possible before the scum of the Earth (Editor's Note: we assume she means the GP) were let on.

My friends and I were well up the loading ramp and had a good view of the area below us. We were just commenting on how this one prominent ACE figure had some bizarre open, seeping wounds on his elbows all weekend. I was wondering if we should offer him some sort of soothing unguents or salves, since it looked pretty gross and painful.

Right as we were discussing this person, he came sprinting out of the Exit area of the Cannonball, intent upon getting a last ERT ride in in the last few seconds allotted us. A few steps off the ramp, though, this guy's pants practically exploded off him as we was running, and he fell down and ate dirt, with his pants completely flopping around his ankles. Sadly, his undies didn't follow, but they were torn, so you could still see patches of that wonderful ass. The really hilarious thing was that this didn't seem to cause him any shame, because he got right up, and, instead of hiking his damn drawers up, he resumed running toward the line, all the while stumbling and pulling feebly at his pants, like they were going to get back on. His quest for one more ride robbed him of his last shred of human dignity, as he was bumbling along in his underwear in full view of hundreds of people. He also didn't manage to get back to the line in time due to the drag his pants were putting on his ankles, so he had to wait with the rest of the GP for his next ride.

I can't begin to describe how erotic this whole scene was. I certainly hope to go to more events where this ACE member goes. He seems to have a major problem keeping his pants where they belong, and I sure hope I'll be there to see it when it happens again. Damn, it makes me quiver.

Tammy Lasker