Tuesday, October 05, 2004

It's Official: Kingda Ka Finally Receives Name Change

Following four days of intense discussions, the staff of Six Flags Great Adventure, along with several members of the Six Flags corporate offices, finally emerged, filthy, unshaven, and smelling like goats coated with used diapers, to announce the new name for the under-construction coaster formerly and controversially known as Kingda Ka. The name change was brought on by the discovery that many groups found the original name highly offensive, but what was to have been a quick meeting to determine a new moniker had become a marathon negotiation, as the Six Flags officials debated and discarded numerous possibilities, from King Caca to Kunta Kente.

At an official press conference, Six Flags Great Adventure's Vice President of Literary Affairs Baron Chauncy Jeffers Choate Butterworth IX proudly unveiled a handsome crayon poster which displayed the new title and theme for the 2005 gigacoaster.

"The reign of Kingda Ka is over," said Butterworth. "Bow to your new master, Kubla Khan."

Butterworth then assumed a look of ecstasy, flipped to a dog-eared passage in his leather-bound poetry tome, curled his hand upward for emphasis, and whispered the following:

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure dome with caves of ice!

Butterworth then sighed and shivered all over in a vaguely orgasmic fashion.

Subtitled Or a Coaster in Six Flags Great Adventure. A Fragment, Kubla Khan remains a ride that will set records for coaster height, speed, and wait time. Additionally, the name of the ride will maintain the all-important alliteration the staff knew it would have to have in order for it to maintain any credibility. However, the addition of extensive new theming will mean the ride will also be the most expensive amusement park attraction ever devised, multiplying by a googolplex the original price estimate from Intamin.

"We aren't worried about the money as much as we were even a few days ago," noted Butterworth. "Since some coaster enthusiasts keep insisting that it's totally acceptable for us to charge patrons astounding amounts of money while failing to provide even the most basic levels of sanitation, service, or operational rides, and that anyone who holds a negative opinion of our park is an idiot, it's pretty obvious that 99% of enthusiasts are brain dead morons who will give us wads of moolah no matter what we do."

He continued: "We're actually planning to double our costs next year, not open a single ride, and allow the monkeys from the zoo to put any part of their body into any part of the patron's body anytime they want, just to see how much we can get away with before the stupid shits wise up. But that's neither here nor there."

Although money is apparently no longer an object, Butterworth noted that there were some challenges ahead for the creative team in charge of theming Kubla Khan. "Building a proper Xanadu for this ruling coaster is not going to be easy," he admitted. "The 'caverns measureless to man' and the 'twice five miles of fertile ground' are going to prove particularly difficult to build within the confines of property we actually own. And since Samuel Taylor Coleridge has been dead for a hundred and seventy years, we have only minimal hope of getting him to assist with the theming as a creative consultant. But I'm sure everything will work out fabulously by May."

"In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately rocket coaster decree, bitches!" Butterworth concluded.

Six Flags officials refused to comment on whether, as has been rumored, their attempt to remain faithful to the Kubla Khan theme would mean that the new coaster would remain unfinished.

--JCK (Inspired by an idea from CSB)