Friday, November 05, 2004

Paramount Official: "Actually, Combovers Do Make Our Decisions"

Late today a Paramount Parks insider, speaking on the condition of anonymity, revealed that, contrary to popular belief, most major corporate decisions are, in fact, made by the combovers of staff members and prominent guests.

Our exclusive source has revealed that not only was the decision to remove the Flying Eagles at Paramount's Kings Island influenced by long flaps of hair wiggling in the wind, but also the decisions to build Boomerang Bay at Paramount's Great America and Tomb Raider at Paramount Canada's Wonderland.

"We wanted to find something to help us make the most hideous decisions possible," our informant told us during a secret meeting at a top secret ARN&R branch news office located in Lebanon, Ohio. "The most disgusting fashion phenomenon since the ACE muumuu was clearly the perfect choice. Scientific research shows that guest feedback from our survey panel can be plotted directly onto a balding man's head, and the best decision to make will be the data points that remain covered during a particularly rough ride on PKD's Hypersonic XLC."

The controversial decision to move PKI's Flying Eagles was, apparently, made due to a question asked of the balding head of the webmaster of a popular roller coaster website.

"I understand that Cedar Fair is working on a similar system to make decisions at Cedar Point," our source went on to tell us. "Their system, though, relies on the elasticity of Dan Keller's suspenders. They're trying out the new system to determine which direction their new Huss Giant Frisbee should rotate. Oh, I wasn't supposed to tell you about that."

Nobody at Cedar Point was willing to comment, but Dan Keller's suspenders informed the ARN&R research team that Six Flags is also working on a similar system based upon where the bloody, mangled bodies tossed from Kingda Ka land. The Six Flags system is due to be implemented shortly after the first fatality on the new record-breaking ride, which is expected sometime the first week of May, 2005.

Kingda Ka may open in April, 2005.

--WCT (with special reporting by PD)