Friday, December 24, 2004

Last-Minute ARN&R Gift Guide

Merry Jesus Day loyal ARN&R readers! Yes it is FMB dropping the holidays like they are hot. If you have forgotten to buy something for that enthusiast who is special to you (or who is simply that nerdy neighbor that works on your computer in exchange for Hot Pockets) then the Fiftieth Annual Absolutely Reliable Gift Guide is right up your alley. Sit back, chill with some niz-og and watch as I spit my mad Christmas game.

5. Roller Coaster Clock

Your beloved enthusiast has everything coaster-related. But, I bet they don't have a clock put together by meth-lab entrepreneurs doing their work-release program. Nothing quite says class like having a beautiful coaster clock hanging next to that Magnum XL-200 poster and above that sink full of dirty dishes. Looking for an investment? A coaster wall clock will only going to appreciate in value.

4. Back Hair Trimmer- Perfect for the Coaster Bear in your life:

3. Subscription to Thrillride!

Sure, 2.7 cents per-day is a lot of money, especially when you are living in your parents' basement on food stamps. However, unlike other subscription-based coaster websites Thrillride! is important. With the in-depth Wild Rumors and up-to-date content you can be sure that your enthusiast will be happier than a pig in shit.

2. Lighted Disney Jackets

Coaster couples love to show that they love one-another by wearing matching neon Indiana Beach shirts, embroidered hot pants and delicious ARN&R thongs [Ed. Notes: No flavor included]. But no two people can consider to be a pair unless they pick up some sassy Disney jackets. These beautifully embroidered jackets utilize the same space-age lighting technology found on train sets. Guys, scrap the diamond this year. If you want to get into her pants pick up these great declarations of love.

1. Living with Coasters

Forget Citizen Kane, the real cinematic genius is found in Paul Greenwald's 2003 release Living with Coasters. This work of art traces the history of the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) from its founding by a few dateless losers to the bloated bureaucracy of dateless losers it is today. We see intimate shots of Paul on all fours in his bedroom, marathoning on Rebel Yell and watch as Kennywood Park laughs at its insurance adjusters by allowing enthusiasts to walk Thunderbolt as the train speeds by. If you have ever wanted to see why enthusiasts are not understood by people who get laid on a regular basis, be sure to pick this up!


Photos courtesy of MSR