Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Mercy Mission Blocks ARN&R From Nomination

It made headlines around the globe last week: Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors, the legendary amusement park satire site, failed to secure a nomination in the annual CoasterBuzz Coasters' Choice Awards for the first time since 2002. The snub, considered by some industry experts to be almost as absurd as Paul Giamatti not being nominated for an Oscar for his performance in Sideways this year, caused great dismay among the writers and editors of ARN&R, as well as perhaps as many as 0-3 other people.

But why would the site not be nominated for the third straight year? Could the CB webmaster be tired of ARN&R mocking the idiot posts of his members? Could it be that ARN&R was unable to maintain the same frantic level of updates as in years past? Or- no, surely this was impossible- had ARN&R even jumped the shark?

As it turns out, it was for none of these reasons. It was a mission of mercy led by CB webmaster Jeff Putz.

"Ever year, I nominate ARN&R," said Putz. "And every year they get their asses handed to them on a silver platter, with a nice sprig of parsley as garnish, once the votes are counted. They got smoked in 2003 and again in 2004, even after promising to stop making fun of CB members if they won. Their bawling and wailing ever year was giving me nightmares. In the name of all that is decent, I had to put their suffering to an end once and for all. So no nomination in 2005."

Putz added that his experience closing a thread in a desperate, though futile, attempt to save a CB member's dignity, after the member asked for advice on what to do after ingesting a large amount of laxatives, has opened his eyes to suffering in the world. "If I can prevent a handful of obnoxious writers from being humiliated again, then prevent it I will," he stated.

In a year where ARN&R had already lost its coveted Michelin Third Star, taking a demotion to Two Stars (worth a detour), this lack of a CB nomination may signify a further downturn in the website's fortunes in the upcoming months, according to some industry experts.