Thursday, March 17, 2005

But Is It Available With A Huge "L" Superimposed?

We generally think we've seen just about the stupidest possible coaster-themed merchandise. After all, we've been to events -- we've seen the patches, the incredibly cheesy joke t-shirts (including our own tasteful ones!), the posters, the magnets, and, yes, the bumperstickers.

And then along comes this. A thrillseeker's diploma, available for the low price of $9.95 (plus a mere $2.50 shipping and handling), which is probably only $9.75 more than it would cost you to create it on any consumer-level computer with a marginally-functional color printer.

(Oh, and there's a fancy gold seal. Add another quarter spent at Hobby Lobby. We're guessing the handwritten signatures don't cost any extra, since it's presumably whoever the seller is toking up with that day.)

We certainly are pleased to read that "The scanned image does not do the diploma justice, it is nice," since from the scan it surely looks like a cheap inkjet printout created by a marginally literate person hoping to somehow make a living selling massively marked-up fake diplomas (his other diplomas include a hilarious array, from hedgehogs to AMC Gremlin Hornets!).

But hey, it's a revenue source, so we'll join the competition: For just $20, we'll send you a guaranteed-authentic color printout of any ARN&R entry you desire, with a genuine signature by whoever is around. Hell, we'll throw in a gold seal for $5 extra, and coffee stains for free. For $100, we'll even write a whole piece just about you and your wacky hijinks.

But until that business begins, we'll have to live with naming this auction the Site O' The Weak.
Dick Holzer Ford Announces Free Park Tickets Promotion

Dick Holzer Ford in Marshfield, Missouri announced yesterday an exciting new promotion for 2005. The leader in new car sales in all of Marshfield is giving away free tickets to area theme parks Silver Dollar City and Celebration City.

"I've been a coaster nut for well over fifty years now," said Mr Holzer, owner and operator of Dick Holzer Ford, in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "I've been lucky enough to have gotten to ride some the old classics like the Aeroplane, Cyclone Racer, and my personal favorite the Euclid Beach Flying Turns. I thought it would be a real pip to tie my love of coasters to my business, so that is how I came up with the idea of giving away free tickets!"

The car dealership calls the promotion "Buy a Car Today and Drive to the Park and Play Summer Days." Mr Holzer explained how the deal works. "Every time a person buys a new 2005 Ford 5.0L Mustang, with a manufacturer's suggested retail price of $30,559, I will give them a free ticket to Celebration City, and for every 2005 Ford GT which has an suggested price of $139,995, they will get two free tickets to Silver Dollar City!"

Dick Holzer Shows a Customer Celebration City's Map

The dealership joins a growing trend in business of niche marketing where a very specific demographic audience is targeted. "I think tailoring a promotion to the affluent coaster enthusiast group is a sure-fire hit," said Holzer, known in Marshfield as a marketing genius. "So much so that we ordered 600% more Mustangs then we usually do for the spring and summer months and took a loan out on the dealership in order to get twelve of the hard to get GTs on the lot in time for the promotion, which we around here think is going to be a hit!" Holzer said with his head held high.

The promotion runs April 12th to September 27th or until all free park tickets are gone. Choosing to take the free park tickets voids any other offer from Ford such as $2,500 cash back rebate or a free Dell computer. All sales final.