Thursday, September 15, 2005

Godzilla No Longer Worst-Mannered Being in Japan

ARN&R recently caught up with Godzilla, who was taking his summer vacation in Maui. We noted that he looked a little stressed and the large beast looked at us with his large reptilian eyes.

"Yeah, things have been bad lately," he sighed. "The economy hasn't recovered, the bullet trains aren't as clean as they used to be, and both ACE and the ECC visited Japan this summer. That was the icing on the cake, those guys are disgusting."

Godzilla in a contemplative moment

The groups, composed of the usual winners, set out to take over the "Land of the Rising Sun." The problem was that they were coaster enthusiasts, socially inept and unable to travel in a land without Motel 6's and Ryan's Steakhouses.

While Godzilla was unhappy with the destruction they wrought on his country, he was happy to be seen in such a positive new light. "Oh yeah!" he exclaimed while sipping a Mai Tai. "I used to be the evil one. Now Godzilla is the shit. People see me as being well-mannered, intelligent and even thoughtful. When people this cool travel half-way around the world to ride a freakin' kiddie coaster you know that people are going to like me. Just the other day I dialed Mothra and he called them some classless f*ckers."

ACE Royal Chancellor Carole Sanderson said she wasn't sure why the enthusiasts got a bad rap. She commented, "Sure, we were annoying on the train and some of our...let's say inexperienced members did hit on the guide, but overall I think the Japanese came away with the impression that we were some very 'cool' people to hang out with. Yes, we drank a gallon of saiki at dinner and ate an entire tuna for each dinner, but don't all foreigners do that?"

While they could not be reached for comment, the Japanese "Office of the Good Commonwealth and Happiness" issued the following statement, "While we appreciate the A.C.E. and E.C.C. liking our roller coasters, we ask that they never return. The body odor, beard growth and unnecessary tank tops of the (mostly) white devils were disturbing. Please enjoy the wonderful theme parks in your respective home lands, such as Six Flags Astroworld and Flamingoland."

Enthusiast's Girlfriend Taunts Enthusiast Community

The worldwide amusement park enthusiast community reacted with shock and dismay today upon reading a taunting memo posted by the girlfriend of one of their own. The memo, entitled "I Have Been On More Classic Amusement Park Rides Than Some of You Losers," was sent by UPS to the offices (or rusted-out derelict outhouses) of every coaster and amusement park enthusiast organization in the world, as well as posted on numerous influential enthusiast message boards. Within hours, nearly every coaster, dark ride, and turnstile enthusiast had witnessed the scathing missive.

"I'm a little overwhelmed by this incident," said confused coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 33, whose girlfriend, avowed amusement park despiser and coaster non-rider Victoria Martin, 31, sent the memo.

Martin's document read as follows:

Dear Losers:

I am writing to inform you that, despite my professed hatred of amusement parks, I have been on more classic amusement park rides than many of you. How does that make you feel? I'm sure you'll go home and cry to your mommy about it. Yes, I will not voluntarily set foot in any amusement park unless my enthusiast boyfriend makes me, and then he owes me dinner and foot rubs seven nights in a row. And yet I have been on tons of classic dark rides that some of you probably haven't been on. One was a fully restored Pretzel ride. And how many of you have been on the Alice ride at BPB or walked through a real Noah's Ark like me? Aren't there like two of those left?

And let's talk about other classic rides. As I mentioned before, I really hate amusement parks and avoid them like the plague. The people in them smell and most rides make me motion sick. But I've been on two of the three derby downs-style fast carousels left in the world. That's sixty-six percent! And I've been on something like five Crazy Daisies, the ride most nearly equivalent to the now non-existent Cuddle-Up. How many of you bitches have been on five Crazy Daisies?

I can even taunt you about roller coasters. Yeah, your precious roller coasters. I hate them. I rode a dinky little mouse coaster and it scared me shitless. I have ridden exactly three of these awful things in my life and will never set foot on another. But you know what? I've been on exactly half of all Prior & Church coasters left in the world. Can you believe that? Yeah, I've been on the Dragon Coaster! Up yours!

According to inside information, several worldwide enthusiast organizations are banding together to ride a scathing letter of their own denouncing Martin's unprovoked assault on the dignity and ride counts of their members. "The major focus of the response letter will be to mock this non-enthusiast for refusing to ride Blackpool's Zipper Dipper, a kiddie roller coaster with a lift hill barely taller than she is," said our inside source. "What a wimp!"