Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Vikings Thwarted

When the details of a wild party on board a cruise boat rented by members of the Minnesota Vikings professional football team surfaced, the reaction of the general public was one of disdain. But the negative publicity surrounding the party, which apparently included nudity, lewd acts, oral sex, heavy petting, and Star Trek Trivial Pursuit, appears not to have made an impression on the players themselves.

"What's wrong with having your knob polished?" inquired reasonable-facsimile-of-a-linebacker EJ Henderson rhetorically. "If these charter boat guys have a problem with our fun, we'll take it elsewhere."

But the Vikings' search for a new location to host their wily shenanigans has thus far proven to be futile. Cornerback Fred Smoot, the alleged renter of the infamous boat cruise, checked with local amusement park Valleyfair! on its willingness to host a function for the players, but the park management refused to cooperate.

"It's an insult that these Vikings players would ask us to provide a location for their public sex escapades," said a park spokesman. "Especially since they suck so bad, but also because semen stains are hard to get out of Intamin inverted coaster seats. Dunno why, but they are."

The spokesman added that Valleyfair! would be happy to host a lurid orgy as long as a "football team that doesn't suck" was involved. "Like the Colts or Steelers, or, I can't believe I'm saying this, the Bengals."

"Valleyfair! would have been a great place for a sex party," said a saddened Michael Bennett, who sometimes tries his best not to trip and fall on his face when he serves as running back for the Vikings. "I guess maybe we'll have to see if Smoot will host the thing in his front yard if we can't use the theme park."

Bennett then cut the interview short, adding mysteriously that he had to "purify himself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka."