Wild Escape To Open In Thirty Unpopulated Places

Shaking off a long-term decline in amsuement park attendance, Wild Escape announced today that it would open thirty nearly-identical amusement parks in the least-attended places it could find.

"We're starting out in West Virginia, where we're pumped to attract all four dozen citizens and their five dozen (collective) teeth," said CEO Fred Fazen. "Then we're aiming for northern Idaho, western South Dakota, southern Wisconsin, northern Louisiana, and approximately a dozen uninhabited and inaccessible islands off the coast of Oregon."

Fazen said that his company had obtained "extensive financing" by obtaining a home equity loan on his three-bedroom ranch house in suburban Indianapolis. "We've got access to $35,000, which should be plenty to make at least twenty-four more almost identical websites."

--GP

Shocking Disqualification Occurs in Internet Wood Coaster Poll

The battle for supremacy amongst coasters is nothing new; for decades, rides have done nearly anything to be noticed by those filling out rank sheets and polls. However, despite the intense competitiveness and high level of showmanship, there has always been a strong sense of gentlemanly respect displayed between the combatants. Until this weekend, perhaps, when an unprecedented turn toward bad sportsmanship may have ushered in a less civil and more aggressive era in top coaster polling, as one leading ride head-butted another.

The aggressor was the Kentucky Rumbler, a widely respected GCI woodie from Beech Bend Park. Video footage showed the Rumbler trading words with the Gravity Group's Voyage, of Holiday World, during in-season voting for the Internet Wood Coaster Poll, after the two were tangled up in a play near their sector of the country. Shortly thereafter, the Rumbler launched the vicious headbutt to the middle of the Voyage, which was not protecting itself and crumpled in a heap for several minutes before getting up under its own power. Although it could certainly be expected that such an unpleasant cheap shot would result in reduced support for the Rumbler in any case, officials took the proactive stance of issuing a red card, disqualifying the ride from any further votes for the remainder of the season.

The unsportsmanlike incident was extremely surprising, considering that the Rumbler has been a force of offense and the unquestioned leader of its park. It had been locked in a pitched battle with Voyage and other wood coasters for the title in what has long been considered the leading and most accurate coaster poll on the internet, and the loss of future votes all but eliminates it from any hope of a high position.

"I just don't understand it," said commentator Brent Mussberger. "It had a great chance at a title, and this senseless act not only ruined those hopes and those of its people, it will tarnish the Rumbler's legacy forever." Mussberger added that the new in-season ballot amending for the Internet Wood Coaster Poll seemed to be adding a previously unknown level of unpleasant energy and intensity to competitive coasters, and that this would probably not be the last time tempers would flare.

"I expect that next year will set a record for ejections and suspensions," he said, reading a cue card.

--JCK

Kennywood Offers Free Gas

Earlier this season, Hersheypark hit upon a creative way of attracting customers despite the obscenely high gas prices currently in place throughout the country. Any visitor to HP who stayed at the Hershey Lodge would receive a voucher for $50 worth of gas from participating establishments. Although the new strategy has been a success for Hersheypark, competitors have been seeking to create similar, but better promotions of their own.

Stepping into the fray this weekend will be Kennywood, which will offer its own free gas plan for customers. However, unlike Hershey, which requires a resort stay to receive the gas voucher, Kennywood intends to give free gas to each and every paying patron that enters the park gates.

"We're inclusive," said a park representative. "With gas prices as high as they are, it is imperative that we give everyone free gas, not just limit it to the upper-end guests who stay in big hotels that may or may not still smell like ACE members after the convention they had there several years ago."

Starting Saturday and continuing through the operating season, all guests will be treated to a huge breakfast immediately after entering the park gates. The meal will consist of bowls of bran fiber and whole milk, prunes, Dr. Pepper, spicy pepper jack cheese, hot dogs with sauerkraut, buffalo wings with extra-fiery hot sauce, chicken-fried steak with creamy white sausage gravy, pork lo mein, scrambled eggs, whole heads of garlic, lamb vindaloo, and fourteen delicious varieties of stewed beans.

"Free gas isn't just a privilege," added the rep. "It's an inalienable right that we shall not deny our visitors."

--JCK

Noooooooo!!

My god, how will we survive?!

Oh, wait. It's ThrillNetwork.

Never mind.

--GP

Mr. Six's Pandemonium To Be Fun Any Day Now

"Mr. Six's Pandemonium sucks."

So read the text message sent from two coaster enthusiasts to a friend of theirs who had recently claimed the Six Flags New England spinning mouse ride was "loads of fun." Nonplussed, the friend texted back: "Nonsense. One of you just needs to be a lot fatter than the other."

"We just kind of chuckled at that," said Dan Hafner, 36, one of the enthusiasts. "But then I got to thinking...you know, it really would be a lot easier to make a spinning coaster do its thing if you put two people opposite each other, and one was really skinny and the other was a porker. If you're roughly equivalent in size, naturally it would be too balanced to do much."

Hafner confirmed that he had weighed approximately 180 pounds when he had ridden Mr. Six, while his companion Michael Sowell, 39, weighed about 175.

Determined to have fun on Mr. Six, Hafner volunteered to pack on as many pounds as he could over the summer, the better to unbalance the spinning action on the Gerstlauer coaster. Subsisting on a diet largely comprised of massive quantities of Krispy Kremes, bowls of refined sugar, bacon, entire wheels of cheese, and raw cookie dough, and refusing to do anything but sit on his ass and watch television for two straight months, Hafner has bravely increased his weight to 256 pounds already, with an eye toward topping out at approximately 300 pounds by late-August.

When asked if this strategy wasn't a bit extreme, the enthusiast noted that "it's important for us to get to the full effect of this spectacular ride, and I will do anything to accomplish that, even if it knocks my life expectancy down by twenty years of more. I took Robert De Niro's transformation for The Untouchables as my inspiration. If he could do that to his body on behalf of his craft, so can I."

"This ride is going to be awesome once we can ride it in its full glory!" said Hafner, spooning Crisco directly out of the tub into his mouth.

--JCK

Celebrating a Year of Being Rather Confusing to Sane People

Happy anniversary to Americans Against ARN&R. We couldn't be more happy to have you as our boycotters.