Mr. Six Seeks New Employment
Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors can report exclusively on the next steps for Mr. Six, the departing mascot of the Six Flags amusement park chain. He and his agent are considering many options.
One possibility is what Six describes as an "exciting opportunity" to hover around the edges of elementary school playgrounds leering at young children and offering to perform purported magic tricks. When pressed, he acknowledges only that the tricks involve luncheon meats.
He has also reportedly been offered the option to travel the country to reach out to troubled youngsters as a positive celebrity role model. His inspirational speeches would focus on how he was the once the least popular person in his school, until he discovered that a special homemade cocktail of crack, amphetamines, Ecstasy, and Angel Dust provided him with the creative stimulus and energy to perform his thrilling signature dance moves and become loved by all.
A third option involves top-secret employment by the CIA. Mr. Six is hesitant to share details, but told us that he would be stationed in Guantanamo Bay and his dancing would be used in "encouraging" prisoners to speak. Mr. Six's agent admits that this option might be the least likely, as human rights organizations would almost certainly protest his client's dance moves as a violation of the Geneva Conventions.
The final opportunity is the one believed to be most likely, and it keeps Mr. Six in the entertainment industry as a film star. Sources are tight-lipped about the possibility, but Mr. Six's agent would tell us the tentative title of the first movie: "Mr. Six-Nine."
[Editor's Note: This article originally appeared in slightly different form during our second Podcast. You can still hear that episode here, or listen to the current one, with exclusive new material, here.]