Thursday, February 23, 2006

Coaster Enthusiasts Demand Olympic Recognition

A group of coaster enthusiasts has spearheaded a campaign to include new events in future Olympic Games. According to the Coaster Sport Association (CSA), events such as the Alpine Slide (singles and doubles), Dance Dance Revolution, and Coaster Marathon are deserving of Olympic status. We recently obtained a copy of a letter sent from the group to the International Olympic Committee (IOC):

Dear IOC:

We formally request the inclusion of Alpine Slide, Dance Dance Revolution, and Coaster Marathon to the next games. These are valid athletic contests. Alpine Slide requires speed and control, Dance Dance Revolution already has a petition supporting its inclusion, and Coaster Marathon is an incredible test of stamina and the ability to withstand the putrid body odors of fellow participants. To those who say these are not true sports worthy of Olympic consideration, let us look at some "events" currently being contested in the Winter Games as a comparison:

Curling: The first major problem with this rubbish is that it is clearly nothing more than shuffleboard on ice. Would you pay to see shuffleboard? Nope, didn't think so. Second, it looks completely ridiculous. Grown people running around scrubbing ice with brooms! If they want to earn a few bucks, we'll happily let them put those world-class skills to use sweeping up our driveway. And just have a look at the composition of some of these teams...if your championship squad can feature a teenager, Gramps, and a scrawny Harry Potter look-alike who weighs under a hundred pounds soaking wet, it might make for a perfectly serviceable Scattergories match, but not an athletic competition.

Doubles Luge: This is where two hefty people wear skintight rubber-fetish costumes, get into the horizontal reverse cowgirl position, and flop around like a two-headed beached whale in heat, is not something we ever want to see again. Our eyes! They burn!

Freestyle Skiing: Make up your mind! Is the idea to ski fast, to make your knees look real purty together, or to do stupid human tricks up in the air? It just doesn't seem right that you can make up a sport out of thin air by cramming everything you can think of into one event. Reading a book on the toilet is an equally useful form of multi-tasking, but no one is claiming you should get a medal for it.

Snowboarding Halfpipe: In our proposed sports, no one has to protect their tender ears from hearing post-event interviews with morons who keep saying "whoa," "awesome," and "dude" in varying combinations. Additionally, this doesn't count as an actual sport because real athletes are pumped up and full of adrenaline for the big competition, not mellowed out and suffering from the munchies. Get your patchouli stink out of our Winter Games, snowboarding ruffians!

Figure Skating: Yeah, you heard us. Figure skating. It's a lovely artistic achievement, not sports. Just in case you were wondering, we're well aware that if skating wasn't in the Olympics, we'd have been denied the opportunity to stare transfixed at Kristi Yamaguchi's flawless rear end for hours upon hours in 1992, but the flip side is that we wouldn't have had to listen to Scott Hamilton yapping like a rabid chihuahua for the past two decades, either.

As you can see, there are plenty of sports in the Olympics that are not actually real sports. You should get rid of some of these and add the real sports of which we have spoken. Thank you for your consideration, bitches.

-The Coaster Sport Association